What's grey and can't climb trees?
A car park.

When I was at school, I once had to do homework on historical landmarks of England.
I remember nearly falling to my death from the top of St Paul's Cathedral.

My dad's so tough, he can make radiators bleed.

I like to stick raffle tickets to everything I own.
That way when people pop round they'll think I'm really lucky.

Can't stand lying down.

I went for an interview today.
The interviewer said, "Tell me a bit about yourself."
I said, "Growing up I always wanted to be an American wrestler."
He said, "Right, what stopped you?"
"I'm English." I replied.

"Did your Grandfather have any children?" - Fern Britton

I was at the cinema with the wife when I noticed a load of 50 pound notes on the floor. I picked them up and said to the missus, "Here put these down your knickers until we get out."
After the film finished and we got out I said to her, "Give me that money then."
She felt into her knickers and said, "Oh my god. It's gone. It must have been that bloke sat next to me."
I said, "Why did you let some bloke put his hand in your knickers?"
She replied, "Well I wasn't to know he was a thief."

17 Remain Dead In Morgue Shooting Spree

What was Beethoven's favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAA!

I thought I saw a unicorn in a field the other day. Turned out to be a horse with a cornetto stuck to its forehead.

When the dentist told me I needed 16 fillings I was mortified.
"But I don't understand it," I said, "I floss my teeth twice a day."
"What sort do you use?" he asked.
"You know," I replied, "The pink fluffy stuff."

My wife wanted to go out with her friends last night, but she couldn't get a babysitter.
So she stayed in and watched the telly, whilst I sat there drawing on the wall with a crayon.

I had a big row with the wife last night.
She said, "You don't love me anymore full stop!"
I said, "You're wrong - I don't love you anymore exclamation mark!"

I just rang the emergency services and said, "There's just been an explosion at the prosthetic limb factory where I work..!"
They asked, "Is it bad, sir?"
I said, "Don't worry, it looks a lot worse than it is."

I've just found out that I am never going to be able to be a mother.
Apparently it is one of the side effects of being a Man.

I'll never forgive myself for holding grudges.

I bought a couple of things from a second-hand record shop.
I'm now officially the 1979 world's fattest man and the tallest person in 1984.

I was struggling with the crossword, so I asked my wife.
"9 letters beginning with T. Athletic event comprising of three events?"
She said, "Try Athlon."
Stupid cow. That's only 6 letters and it starts with A.

I hate people who commit suicide alone.
If it was me, I'd make people pay money to watch me fight against a lion with a back scratcher.
Funeral sorted.

I must be a great singer, I was singing in my livingroom when my neighbour chuckd a brick through my window.
He must have wanted to hear me better.

Whilst I was flying back from Berlin, sausages exploded in my luggage.
It really was the wurst case scenario.

A man walks up to paddy in the bookies and says "would you like the winner of the next race " paddy says "no thanks mate , i live in a flat "

Lif is too short.

As I left work today, my boss said to me, "I know your hours are 9am-5pm, but can you work an hour later tomorrow?"
I said, "Yeah, no problem, I'll see you at 10."