My mates think it's brilliant that my daughter has got a job at the station.
I guess I do too, but I still haven't worked out where the town of 'Babe' is yet.

When we buried my Dad, Mum burst into tears, screamed to the heavens, and insisted that we each said a prayer.
It completely ruined our day at the beach.

I was listening to music in my bedroom when my dog walked in on me practicing the robot.
He's actually getting pretty good at it.

BBC News: Bullet shot through man's skull narrowly misses vital organ
I'm no expert, but I'm guessing that's his brain then?

I said to my mate, "My cat can say her own name!"
He said, "That's amazing! What's she called?"
I replied, "Meow."

When I was a kid, some older boys threw my trainers over a telephone wire.
I wouldn't have been too bothered, but I still had them on.

I promised my vegetarian wife that I'd never eat a dead animal again.
It was a silly promise and I wish I'd never made it.
I can't begin to tell you how difficult it is to eat a duck while it's flapping its wings.

When Mozart was my age, he'd already written several symphonies.
Then again, when Sid Vicious was my age, he was dead, so I'm okay really.

I'm not impressed with these drawing pins I bought.
It's been two days now and they haven't drawn a thing.

I have unbelievable luck in restaurants. Whenever I sit down at a dirty table I always find loads of money.

I was going through a maze today. I must have gone the wrong way because before I knew it I was trapped. I turned around but it was a dead end. I soon realised I was stuck. I started crying and screaming for help.
It was at this point the lady behind the counter told me I could have another childrens menu if I wanted.

If I had a pound for every time someone's called me dull....
then I would have a substantial capital income.

"Worker dies in Forth Bridge fall"
I'm just amazed he survived the first three.

I met a lady at the bus stop, "So then, getting the bus?" I asked.
"Well, what does it look like?" she said angrily.
I replied, "Emm, it's a big blue and white thing with loads of people on it!"

I was out having a few pints with the lads last night. I drank them all under the table.
"Dave, why you drinking your pints under there?" They kept asking.

I've just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank support.
What's the procedure? Do they just put the money in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

My wife just told me she's leaving me because all my jokes have irrelevant and depressing punchlines.
The Holocaust.

How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Just seen a sign outside B&Q: "Stainless Steel Sinks".
Bit obvious, I thought.

It is said that America will soon take second place to China as a global innovator, mainly due to the 'dumbing down' of American popular culture.
That's not the kind of thinking that sent Neil Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear to the Moon.

What goes in hard and comes out soft?
Bubble gum.

We really should stop calling it the Eurozone.
Otherwise they'll start calling us Poundland!

My mate Dave bet me 200 that the M25 is only 118 miles long, boy is he looking stupid now!
I've been driving on it all day and still not reached the end.

I called over the air stewardess and said, "Sorry to trouble you, but I'm trying to relax and this young kid behind me keeps screaming and hitting me on the back."
"I'm not surprised," she replied, "That's his seat and you're squashing him."

A few people are complaining about the new lightning conductor at the concert hall.
A lot of the orchestra can't keep up with him.