I just bought an Igloo from IKEA.
200 litres of water (freezer not included).

When I was feeding my son earlier, my wife said to me, "Pretend that his dinner is an aeroplane, he likes that."
I said, "Okay" and threw his plate across the room.
She was right, he laughed his nuts off.

My girlfriend just texted me: 'I'm not talking to you'.
I texted back: 'I know, clever this texting lark isn't it?'

"Dad, can I go to a 50 cent concert".
"Here's $1, take your sister as well".

'JK Rowling writes first book for adults'.
Nonsense. I have loads of adult books, all of them written by other authors.

I asked on Yahoo questions, "My font colour is white - how do I change it?"
I can't understand why I've had no answers?

Last year, my mates sponsored me to run the London Marathon backwards.
It took me over eight hours to fight my way through the oncoming crowd, but eventually I made it to the starting line.

I don't know about you lot, but I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

My mate died after inhaling too much helium at a party last night.
It wasn't all bad though, his last words sounded hilarious.

They should ban semi-colons; no one knows how to use them.

Some crocodiles can grow up to 14 feet... But usually they only have 4!

I love the Americans' sense of humour.
After killing bin Laden, they announce that the world is now a safer place, but that a terrorist attack is highly likely.

I've just posted a 1500 cheque to Nigeria to release the 15 million lottery I won there..... See ya later SUCKERS!

"George, my sisters handwriting is very bad in this letter darling, is that an 'o' or an 'i'?"
"It's the letter 'o' dear"
"Oh my God my brother's shot himself"

The past year has been pretty traumatic for me.
First I found out that the tooth fairy didn't exist, then I found out that superman isn't real and my parents were lying to me about Father Christmas.
And if all that wasn't bad enough already, I'm starting to suspect that the bloke on the rice packets isn't really my uncle.

The police were at my door,
"Mr Smith, we want to interview you about raping a girl on a seaside bouncy castle. What do you have to say?"
"What a fun but unusual way to be interviewed."

I was walking in the middle of a forest when I found a dog all by itself. I took it home and saw that it had a telephone number on its collar.
A lady answered when I rang and I said, "I've found your dog. If you give me directions, I'll bring it over."
"Directions to my place are a bit complicated," she replied. "You see, I live in the middle of a forest."

I informed my wife months in advance that I wanted an Xbox for my birthday, nothing else, just an Xbox. Even after all of this, she ended up getting a framed picture of me and her.
Which is cool, because for her birthday, I'm gonna get her an Xbox.

I saw a woman walking alone in the street last night so I stopped beside her.
I said, "Can I give you a lift home?"
"No thanks, I'd rather walk" she replied.
"Is it because I'm a stranger?" I asked.
She said, "No, it's because you're on a Segway."

I was going through the Channel Tunnel the other day.
"I guess this means I've failed" I said to the driving examiner.

The other day, I realised that I had a lot of growing up to do, whilst sitting in my fort.

I've got Alexander Graham Bell's telephone number.
1.

I came home from a night out and my wife said, "Your jumper is the wrong way around."
"Is it?" I asked, looking in the mirror.
"Yes, I can't believe you've been walking around like that all night" she continued, "You look ridiculous."
"I thought it was a bit loose on the neck" I said, "And tight on the waist"

I have created a repulsive half man, half marine mammal that has disturbed me to the very core.
Oh, the humanatee!

After winning my latest match, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on the television.
Apparently it's unacceptable in ten pin bowling.