"Don't give the baby a paper clip!" the wife shouted at me. "He'll swallow it!"
"It's OK, I've got hundreds," I retorted.

I burst out into the aisle of the plane and yelled, "Does anybody know how to fly one of these things!?"
Everybody stared on in horrified silence...
As the stewardess calmly asked me to sit down and put the kite away.

I just saw a poster on a tree saying: 'This is a photograph of our dog which is missing. If found please call us'
So I phoned them up and said, "I've just found the photograph of your dog."

Apparently, tortoises can live for 150 years, so I've bought one to see if it's true.

When I die, I'm going to have the Tetris theme played at my funeral, just as my coffin is being lowered into the ground.

The wife just said, "Your obsession with cats is totally out of control, so I've packed your bags."
I think she's kicking meeeowt.

Well she was a stupid woman interviewer anyway asking, 'Describe yourself in just one word' ..
I said, 'John'

What's blue and not heavy?
Light Blue.

I think hitch-hikers are really friendly.
I've gone past three in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up

After years of research, Irish scientists have announced why the dinosaurs went extinct.
It's because they all died.

My wife bought one of those blankets which has sleeves.
"This is great," she said. "Do you want one?"
I replied, "No thanks," as I took off my dressing gown and put it on backwards.

I was haggling with a shopkeeper earlier.
I said, "Come on mate. You know how this works. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours."
He said, "Sir, I haven't got all day. Do you want this backscratcher or not?"

A couple of lads tried to get into my car last night so I attacked them with a baseball bat.
I'm not cut out to be a taxi driver.

Awwwww bless.........
My 2 year old son has fallen asleep face down in the bath.
Must be all that running around, he's obviously knackered.
Oh well, I won't disturb him.

If there is one thing that gives me great comfort in life, it's knowing that, during a power cut, somewhere there's an old person stuck halfway up the stairs on a stair lift.

I thought my girlfriend might be 'The One' but, after finding police, nurse and maid uniforms in her wardrobe, I realised she can't hold a job down.

What's more fun than watching an old lady fall down a flight of stairs?
Pushing her.

I hate paedophiles.
In fact, I hate them that much I actually grab all the kids in the playground and hide them in my van before the perverts can take pictures of them.

I don't understand Super Mario.
Bowser kidnaps his girlfriend dozens of times, and yet he still invites him go-karting.

I've heard the new 3DS doesn't work if you close one eye.
I guess Nintendo must be coming down hard on pirates.

I woke up this morning to find my garage had been robbed.
Immediately I phoned the police.
"There's been a spate of burglaries in the area recently," said the officer, "mainly bikes, lawnmowers. It's probably kids. Could you describe what's missing?"
"Yes, it's a 35ft by 28ft brick-built garage with an electric door."

I often put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

I ordered a pizza the other day. They told me that if they didn't deliver it within half an hour, it's free!
So I hung up without giving them my address.

My granddad was a terrible Elvis impersonator..
There wasn't much call for it in 1927.

I manage my local pub football team and we had a game last night.
At half time we were 3-0 down and I was stressed, freezing cold and hungry.
My mate said, "I'm quickly popping to the shops, do you want anything?"
I said, "Yeah, get me a 12 inch sub."
He came back ten minutes later with Shaun Wright-Phillips.