I overheard this in the cafe earlier:
"Can you stop listening to our conversation?"

As she lay there screaming in agony, her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try and undress a woman with his eyes.

The wife said we need some garden furniture.
I'm sitting on the fence.

For me, coming out as a teenager was the hardest thing I've experienced.
God knows what it must have been like for my mother.
Being in labour for that long.

My wife has left me because 'apparently' I 'quote too much.'

What has 2 legs in the morning, 27 legs in the afternoon and 58 legs in the evening?
A man who has decided to collect legs.

I've just seen the headline: "What makes F1 drivers special?"
I'd say "accidents".

Most Africans, when throwing a coin in a wishing well, wish for a well.

A woman stopped me in the street this morning.
She said, "Do you know anything about cars?"
I said, "I know a bit."
She said, "Could you look at mine and see what you think?"
I said, "Of course."
After inspecting the car for about 20 minutes I said, "Yeah, it's quite nice."

A girl talked to me today, and said it's 11/11/11.
That only happens once every 100 years. So does 11/11/11.

I got stopped by one of those market researchers the other day.
She said, "Do you mind if I ask you ten short questions?"
I said, "Okay, go on then."
"Have you ever suffered from a blackout?" she asked.
"I don't think so," I replied.
She said, "And, finally, question ten."

I never had a father when I was young so I used to pretend the rubber from my pencil case was my dad.
Erased me well.

I walked into the hairdressers and said, "How much for a crew cut?"
The bloke said, "Seven quid."
I said, "Sweet, come in lads!"

I was called by a telemarketer the other day. He asked me, "Is this an inconvenient time for you?" and when I replied it wasn't, he said, "Oh, I'll call back later then."

My room was like a sauna last night...
Full of naked men.

My mum always told me, "Never do something that you'll regret later in life."
I always thought that it was great advice. So I got it tattooed on my forehead.

I've taken steps to prevent the midget from next door from peering over the fence while my wife's sunbathing.
His steps to be precise.

I dropped an egg on a concrete floor and it didn't even crack. I think this is because concrete is hard and not easily damaged.

Have you ever wondered how stupid a balloon seller feels in the high street when he's down to his last balloon?

No-one seems to remember the eleventh commandment:
Thou shalt not maketh up false commandments.

Just saw a poster with my face on a wall. Apparently I'm wanted for questioning.
Since when has that been a crime?

It was my first day as a traffic officer, so I was delighted to pull someone up for speeding. I casually strolled over to the vehicle before delivering the immortal line, "Where's the fire mate?".
The Firemen just swore at me and told me I was putting lives at risk.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon.
But apparently I was too young.

I used to hate eating my greens as a kid.
For some reason they tasted worse than the other crayons.

"False information" spelled backwards is "False information"