As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for in case of such emergencies.

Scotland Yard have caught an Irishman planting a bomb in London.
They arrested him whilst he was watering it.

"When I was your age, Apple and Blackberry were fruits, not phones!".
Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't they still fruits?

I was out shopping when a young lad stopped me and said, "Excuse me, mate, if I give you some money, will you go into the shop and buy some beer?"
I said, "Wow, thanks very much. That's very generous of you."

I feel so smug tonight. I didn't put my clock forward in March.

My boss called me into his office today.
He said, "I've heard a little rumour that you are going to be sick for the next two weeks just so you can go on your mate's stag do in Vegas."
I said, "That's correct."
He said, "Well, in that case I have no choice but to let you go."
I said, "Cheers mate, I appreciate that."

A man was in front of a judge. The judge says to him, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The man says, "Okay, let's get started."

Microsoft recently announced that they're releasing Windows 7 in Europe without an internet browser and users will have to download and install one for themselves.
Anyone else see a key flaw with this?

Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.

Legitimate CD sales are killing piracy.

I was pulled over by the police today.
"How fast do you think you were going, sir?"
"60mph?" I asked.
"Try 135," the officer replied.
So I shut the door and drove as fast as I could.

My Grandad never talks about his time fighting in WWII.
He was shot by a German sniper in 1943 and died instantly.

I found out why Toblerone is triangular today.
So it fits in the box.

Never get stuck behind the devil in a post office queue.
For the devil can take many forms.

There is now a facebook group called "I'm not posh I just speak better English than you."
Shouldn't there be a comma there?

My wife tried to humiliate me by pointing out my Pokemon obsession in front of our entire family.
It was super effective.

I don't take orders from anyone.
Which is most probably why my restaurant went bust.

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

I was late walking into a very important meeting today.
"Sorry, boss," I said, quickly sitting down.
I put my briefcase and a doner kebab on the table and said, "Right, carry on."
My boss looked at our important clients, then he looked at me and said, "What's with the doner kebab, Dave?"
I said, "Just some salad and a bit of chilli sauce."

My computer beat me at chess a few days ago.
It was no match for me at kick-boxing though.

Poker players....
Lull your opponents into a false sense of security by shouting out "SNAP!" on the first hand.

I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime.
"Right, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"

I met this beautiful woman in a club and we got dancing, she suddenly put her hand on my crotch and said, "Oh my! You are a big boy! You're certainly hiding something down there" then gave me a cheeky smile.
"Thanks," I said, "Most girls think it's weird that I bring my guinea pig out clubbing."

I suck at blowing up balloons...
That's probably why I can't do it.

My mum won the Irish Lottery.
Now she owes them 6 million quid.