Last week was procrastination week.
I was going to post about it but I never got to.

I was doing some work on my roof when my neighbour walked by.
"Hiya Dave" she said, "Isn't it a bit dangerous up there?"
I replied, "Yes, but telling me to go up further isn't really going to help is it?"

I went to see my doctor today.
"How many bottles of beer do you drink each day?" he asked.
"5 or 6" I replied.
"Right" he said, "And how many do you smoke?"
I said, "None, I only drink them."

I had a seeded roll for lunch today but I didn't have to cut it.
I just said, "Open Sesame."

I was talking to my mother about my grandfather the other day,
"So how did he die?" I asked.
"Oh your grandfather?" She said, "he died in action." She continued,
"Where abouts?" I replied.
"In the living room," she said. "He overdid it on Wii Sports".

I was playing snooker with my mate when we noticed we'd been playing for 23 hours. He said to me, "Shall we play for another hour?"
"Yeah why not," I replied, "we may as well make a day of it."

I've just been to an onions funeral.
Made me cry.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was weird.

I remember my girlfriend looking up at me, as I stuck it in for the first time; pumping away, trying not to get too excited while a man watched us through a window.
Filling up fuel for the first time was quite the experience.

When my wife died I was able to deal with it ok as is been brought up with with having to deal with the deaths of many much loved pets.
The only thing I struggle with is trying to flush her down the toilet.

Playing Chinese Whispers at the Town Cryer's convention was doomed from the outset.

My mate told me he was quite proud of the fact he doesn't snore. I felt the need to point out I was so good at snoring, I could do it in my sleep.

I decided it was time for a change, We cant do this anymore, time for you to go up.
Anywhere in which you will feel no male dominance from me, I said to my wife.
Fine then, she said. The next morning though as I left to go to work I wasn't very happy to find that she had started living on top of the roof.

BBC News: Ban on court filming to be lifted
Does that mean I've been watching the tennis illegally on TV?

Those who can't laugh at themselves, leave the job to others.

yazoo news: Alison Moyet is still fat.

When I went to the records office to record our sons name I still had my wife's final words ringing in my ears. " make sure it's memorable unusual and not kevin."
KJ58CDS wasn't what she was expecting but at least our number plate is now a personalised.

What's yellow and swings through the jungle?
Tarzipan

there's a blonde, a brunette and a ginger. they have been asked to swim the english channel. the ginger swims an eighth the way and swims back. the brunette swims a quarter the way and swims back. the blonde swam half the way and swam back.

Just got back from my school reunion.
Which was a bit weird, since I was home schooled.

I noticed that I constantly narrated my life in my head, when I thought "I noticed that I constantly narrated my life in my head..."

My mate can't get an erection, partially due to smoking.
But mostly due to being female

Ever since the RaF started the "You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF" Campaign, They have seen an increase in Women applications

If practice makes perfect
does that mean emo's are the best at cutting birthday cake?

My teacher told us to get into pairs for our cooking lesson
I personally prefer to use apples,but whatever floats her boat.