I was in america, and someone told me about a spelling bee.
Europe lacks talking animals.

Playing darts with my mate today and got hit by a flight, we're now both banned from Gatwick runway.

BBC News: "MI6 worker's body found in pieces in plastic bag"
What a way to commit suicide...

My neighbour accused me of being a flasher the other day.
I almost tripped over my pants.

I got sacked from the dementia ward where I worked. Mavis and Edna forgot about the first two rules of Fight Club.

You smell so bad, you make Right Guard turn left.

Personally, I think the whole "mail order bride" thing's a myth.
You don't get brown envelopes that big.

Immigration is a very contentious issue, and opinions vary on its benefits. According to one poll recently,
"Eez great, I 'ave a job az a plumber."

The wife bought me a stupid man bag for my birthday today and said, "It's the fashion now."
On the plus side, it's big enough to hold her severed head.

Why do chavs always seem to think that I'm there brother?

I've just been out and bought this years latest summer accesories...
Wellies and a rainmac

I bought my wife a self-cleaning fur coat today.
It was made out of cat-skin.

Premature greyness is hereditary.
You get it from your kids.

As I sat watching the start of the football with my blonde girlfriend, she chirped-up, "Did you see that? I'm sure one of the Greek players wasn't singing the national anthem. That's disgusting."
"Well Greek must be a difficult language to learn," I said tongue-in-cheek, "they don't have the same words or letters we do."
"Haha, you're probably right," she giggled. "But why didn't he just sing it in English then?"

I felt awful when my wife was attacked the evening after I stole pepper-spray from her purse.
Then to top things off, she nearly choked to death on the spaghetti bolognese I made her.

A friend of mine got me a new car for my birthday; it wasn't the car I wanted, but he'd already paid for it.
It was a Fiat Accompli.

I've got a mate who claims he has a market stall selling clockwork toys. Don't know if I should believe him though, he can be a bit of a wind-up merchant.

Customer: "Can I have the fish and chips please?"
Waitress: "Would you like the normal one or the signature one?"
Customer: "who signs it?"

I'll never forget the time when my dad clipped me around the ear for being naughty.
I remember walking into school and all the kids were laughing at me saying, "Look at your hair."

I thought it would be safe at Asda on the 'travellater"
But when i got to the top, Shadow knocked me out with his pugal stick.

Met the Queen the other day and on an impulse thought I'd try out one of my gags on her.
When I was done I asked, "Well, what do you think?"
She said, "Mmmmph hmmm!"
Then I was rugby tackled to the floor by her bodyguards.

Was drinking with a mate when I said "I'm really in the mood for a game of poker".
"Snap", he replied.
"No, poker", I said.

I went to the dentist today to have a tooth removed. Before he started he put on some headphones. I said, "What have you put them on for?"
He replied, "I bought some cheap anesthetic that should be strong enough, but I've put these on just to be on the safe side."

My children were sadly killed in a crazy playground accident earlier this week.
However, I got to keep the rides which ended their lives.
Swings and roundabouts.

My mate told me he'd read a survey where they said the youth of today are influenced by and commits crimes because of video games
Yea we had non of that in our day I replied as I swung a big ball attached to a chain at a Hedgehog I'd painted blue.