I got a letter in the post today telling me how I got on in my recent IQ test.
The results were negative.

For most of my childhood, I looked up to my father.

I permanently removed the low resistance current protection from my electrical semi-aquatic fish-eating mammal.
That's an otter you can't refuse.

Can anyone recommend me a good search engine? I would search a search engine for a good search engine but I don't know a good search engine.

407 dedicated, brave, heroic British service men and women have been killed in Afghanistan since the invasion in 2001.
On a separate note, the Americans have reported 406 bullets inexplicably missing from their armory.

My mother always told me "stop while you're ahead"
maybe the reason why I have never won the 100m

As I approached the airport check in desk with my wife, I started to get very nervous and sweaty. If I was going to get out of this country, I was going to have to lie my socks off.
The woman at the desk could see my discomfort. "Excuse me sir. Did you pack your own bags?"
"Yes" I replied.

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
Afterwards as we waited for the bill she said, "That waiter was really polite and helpful. You should leave a tip for him."
So I spilled my coffee on the tablecloth and threw a few biscuits around.

My mate said I have an obsession with hitting inanimate objects.
I got so angry I punched him in his stupid, lying kettle.

I bought some PG Tips today.
I'd better not let the kids see them without me being there.

This morning my wife said she's leaving me for my younger brother.
What makes her think he wants to take care of me?

"I've just bought some lovely meat from Italy".
"Venison?"
"Milan actually Dad".

My mate said, "I'm thinking of moving somewhere with better scenery and nice countryside. What are your views?"
I said, "Well from my bedroom all I can see is a traintrack and a few fields."

I was trying to figure out what number multiplied by itself equalled 64, but I couldn't get to the root of the problem.

I've just injected myself with a lethal dose of Heroin mixed with Nitrous Oxide.
At least I'll die laughing.

Hey, I'm air-con, kinda like Akon, but cooler..

When Jean-Luc Picard had some spare time from the Starship Enterprise, he enjoyed working on his little farm.
Some of the equipment was old and poorly maintained.
He had huge problems getting the seed drill to work and eventually had to call a mechanic.
The mechanic tutted, "It'll cost a bit to get this working. What do you want me to do?"
"Make it sow."

In cinemas this Friday: The Rentokil Story.
Soundtrack by Deadmau5.

I walked through my front door today. I guess that means i'm a ghost then.

Just walked in from work to the kids Halloween party in full swing. I said "What's going on here?"
"Duck apple, daddy!"
As a Granny Smith flew from nowhere and broke my nose.

My third wife is leaving me because I'm an arsonist.
Oh well, that's another relationship up in smoke.

My wife thinks I'm a terrible cook. She hasn't tried my lamb strudel.

My mate was playing darts he said,
"go on mate name a number."
"Ok, so 7 can be called greg, and 12 can be a susan."
"Now you name a few" I replied.

Do you ever do that thing when you're searching for something for ages, and it turns out you were holding it all along?
My granddad was always doing it, and that's why he should never have been allowed to hold grenades during the war.

I was talking to my friend when I told him, "When I was born I was left on the doorstep of a little cottage with a note attached to me."
He said, "What did the note say?"
"I don't know." I replied, "I was too young to read."