Earlier when I was sat eating a bowl of Coco-pops on the toilet, I couldn't help but wonder;
What goes on in that bowl?

I started dating a math teacher a couple of weeks ago
she turned round one night and said to me
"You know you're really stupid, I have no idea why I'm with you, i bet you don't even know what pi is!"
"I know you eat too much of it" I replied.

My mate asked me, "How do you improve the taste of iced tea?"
I said, "By heating it up and adding milk."

Demonstrated my new 50,000 volt handheld electronic current transfer device to my mate last night
He was stunned...

My mother said to me "always keep your eyes peeled."
Well i think that`s what she said, following her previous advice my ears are still pinned to the ground.

I'm currently on a British Airways flight and I'm appalled at the lack of health and safety...
An oxygen mask has just hit me on the head.

I'm currently sitting in work and I've got a huge fart brewing.
I can't wait to see who has the next cup of tea.

Women are like cars. They cost a fortune to maintain and you only get to fill them up once every two weeks for 40.

I once spent 24 hours in a meadow.
Had a field day.

I was very impressed at some of the efforts in the London riots today
Some of the kenny from south park costumes were spot on!

I turned up late for work yesterday.
"What time do you call this?" My boss screamed.
"I'm here now aren't I?," I replied. "I got stuck in traffic."
"You live down the road," he shouted. "And we finish in 10 minutes."

My girlfriend came round my house for the first time last night. She looked at my coal fire and said "Why dont you have a guard in front of that" I said "Coz I'll trip over his rifle"

I went round to see my sisters new baby today,
"He looks just like you" I said
"I know, we've got the same nose" she said
"No" I replied "I meant by using his eyes"

My sister asked me if I'd like to be present for her sons birth last week so I said, "Yes."
She went into labour this morning, so I turned up gift wrapped in paper with a bow on my head.

I'd hate to be in the Swiss army. You have really cool knives but you never get the chance to use them.

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

TV LISTINGS;
10.40PM - Crimewatch
11.20PM - Women's World Cup Highlights
11.22PM - FILM:- Predator

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

What do call an Irish Bullfighter?
Matt O'Door

my friend died from solvent abuse the other day,he tried to glue him self to a block of flats then fell to his death.

I was eating some peanuts earlier.
That Sally Brown and Lucy van Pelt love having their fannies licked out.

It was my first time in the boxing ring and it only took 32 seconds to make a huge impression. Even the judges had to admit ..
"We've never seen a boxer with so many corner men."

I was so out of it last night I ended up falling in the gutter.
That's the last time I go bowling drunk

I just had a job interview for a sales job, cold calling.
I turned up wearing 3 jumpers, gloves and a wooly hat.

I've been topping up my tan today.
Its amazing what you can bottle these days.