"I've just bought some lovely meat from Italy".
"Venison?"
"Milan actually Dad".

This morning my wife said she's leaving me for my younger brother.
What makes her think he wants to take care of me?

I bought some PG Tips today.
I'd better not let the kids see them without me being there.

My mate said I have an obsession with hitting inanimate objects.
I got so angry I punched him in his stupid, lying kettle.

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
Afterwards as we waited for the bill she said, "That waiter was really polite and helpful. You should leave a tip for him."
So I spilled my coffee on the tablecloth and threw a few biscuits around.

As I approached the airport check in desk with my wife, I started to get very nervous and sweaty. If I was going to get out of this country, I was going to have to lie my socks off.
The woman at the desk could see my discomfort. "Excuse me sir. Did you pack your own bags?"
"Yes" I replied.

I was eating some peanuts earlier.
That Sally Brown and Lucy van Pelt love having their fannies licked out.

my friend died from solvent abuse the other day,he tried to glue him self to a block of flats then fell to his death.

What do call an Irish Bullfighter?
Matt O'Door

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

TV LISTINGS;
10.40PM - Crimewatch
11.20PM - Women's World Cup Highlights
11.22PM - FILM:- Predator

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

I'd hate to be in the Swiss army. You have really cool knives but you never get the chance to use them.

My sister asked me if I'd like to be present for her sons birth last week so I said, "Yes."
She went into labour this morning, so I turned up gift wrapped in paper with a bow on my head.

I went round to see my sisters new baby today,
"He looks just like you" I said
"I know, we've got the same nose" she said
"No" I replied "I meant by using his eyes"

My girlfriend came round my house for the first time last night. She looked at my coal fire and said "Why dont you have a guard in front of that" I said "Coz I'll trip over his rifle"

I turned up late for work yesterday.
"What time do you call this?" My boss screamed.
"I'm here now aren't I?," I replied. "I got stuck in traffic."
"You live down the road," he shouted. "And we finish in 10 minutes."

I was very impressed at some of the efforts in the London riots today
Some of the kenny from south park costumes were spot on!

I once spent 24 hours in a meadow.
Had a field day.

Women are like cars. They cost a fortune to maintain and you only get to fill them up once every two weeks for 40.

I'm currently sitting in work and I've got a huge fart brewing.
I can't wait to see who has the next cup of tea.

My mate Dave was watching the TV when he pumped one fist and shouted "Go on city!"
He loves watching the financial channel.

"About 10 people a week are hospitalized from injuries suffered while playing Wii games."
Now, I can't help but think that seems a little exaggerated.
No one plays Wii anymore.

When I was on holiday in Florida I drove to a petrol station and asked for 5 dollars worth of 'gas', the guy behind the counter farted then gave me a receipt!

I was having a jog on the beach this morning, when all of a sudden the tide came in.
I got to safety quickly, but my treadmill got washed away.