I'm not a slacker
Just can't be bothered to prove otherwise

I was the victim of one of those honey traps.
I was just about to collect it, when a gang of bees ambushed me.

Tell you what, some of the girls I go out with are so stupid they literally can't even spell their own name!
Fair play though, most of them don't start school till next year

My wife often says that she wants to change me.
But i don't let her. Im a big boy now and know how to use my special big boy pants.

I've just been enjoying watching the missus in a bit of "girl on girl" action.
She got into a fight with some tart over a trolley at Sainsbury's.

What do you call a girl with loads of nicknames?
Moniker

I thought I'd take a leaf out of Spinal Tap's book today, and turn everything up to 11!
Unfortunately the toaster overheated and my house burnt down.

A new stairlift was unveiled today, it can get you up the stairs so fast that when you get to the top you can still remember what you wanted to go upstairs for.

Last night my wife called me an idiot for no apparent reason.
Like water off a duck's claw.

I was disappointed to discover that DIRT magazine was about bikes

My mate said that he'd been burning the candle at both ends.
I tried but there's only a wick at one end.

My mate was telling me that I don't get when to use quotes,
What "would he" know anyway?

Two things fascinate me - the middle east and animal slaughter.
I've just booked a week in Saudi Arabia to kill two birds with one stone.

A psychic medium is taking a radio station to court after they cancelled her show without warning.
She said, "It's come completely out of the blue".

Fire safety training in the workplace: In the event of a fire, to help prevent it spreading, please always keep the fire doors shut.
Do not leave anything lying around that can fuel the fire.
For example: plastic, pieces of wood, paper.
I think the fire authorities need to stop making Fire Safety Door's out of wood before they start telling people what to do.

What is black and crispy?
A burnt crisp

I was trying to direct a real-life remake of the Hunchback Of Notre-Dame, but the Actor who plays the main role has just called in sick.
It's not all bad news though, luckily, I have a back-up.

I walked it to the kitchen last night and my wife was cooking completely naked.
"Why have you got no clothes on?" I asked.
She replied, "Because the recipe said simmer uncovered."

I'm going to grow a beard!
I've already bought a young Asian boy with a bit of a moustache, to get me started.

I've had seven years of bad ideas up to now.
Must have been that light bulb I broke.

My mate looked up from his quiz and asked, "What type of animal is a Gloucester Old Spot?"
"Don't ask me mate," I replied, "I'm pig ignorant."

I was having a jog on the beach this morning, when all of a sudden the tide came in.
I got to safety quickly, but my treadmill got washed away.

When I was on holiday in Florida I drove to a petrol station and asked for 5 dollars worth of 'gas', the guy behind the counter farted then gave me a receipt!

"About 10 people a week are hospitalized from injuries suffered while playing Wii games."
Now, I can't help but think that seems a little exaggerated.
No one plays Wii anymore.

My mate Dave was watching the TV when he pumped one fist and shouted "Go on city!"
He loves watching the financial channel.