My mate looked up from his quiz and asked, "What type of animal is a Gloucester Old Spot?"
"Don't ask me mate," I replied, "I'm pig ignorant."

I've had seven years of bad ideas up to now.
Must have been that light bulb I broke.

I'm going to grow a beard!
I've already bought a young Asian boy with a bit of a moustache, to get me started.

I walked it to the kitchen last night and my wife was cooking completely naked.
"Why have you got no clothes on?" I asked.
She replied, "Because the recipe said simmer uncovered."

I was trying to direct a real-life remake of the Hunchback Of Notre-Dame, but the Actor who plays the main role has just called in sick.
It's not all bad news though, luckily, I have a back-up.

What is black and crispy?
A burnt crisp

Fire safety training in the workplace: In the event of a fire, to help prevent it spreading, please always keep the fire doors shut.
Do not leave anything lying around that can fuel the fire.
For example: plastic, pieces of wood, paper.
I think the fire authorities need to stop making Fire Safety Door's out of wood before they start telling people what to do.

A psychic medium is taking a radio station to court after they cancelled her show without warning.
She said, "It's come completely out of the blue".

Two things fascinate me - the middle east and animal slaughter.
I've just booked a week in Saudi Arabia to kill two birds with one stone.

My mate was telling me that I don't get when to use quotes,
What "would he" know anyway?

My mate said that he'd been burning the candle at both ends.
I tried but there's only a wick at one end.

I was disappointed to discover that DIRT magazine was about bikes

Last night my wife called me an idiot for no apparent reason.
Like water off a duck's claw.

A new stairlift was unveiled today, it can get you up the stairs so fast that when you get to the top you can still remember what you wanted to go upstairs for.

I thought I'd take a leaf out of Spinal Tap's book today, and turn everything up to 11!
Unfortunately the toaster overheated and my house burnt down.

What do you call a girl with loads of nicknames?
Moniker

I've just been enjoying watching the missus in a bit of "girl on girl" action.
She got into a fight with some tart over a trolley at Sainsbury's.

My wife often says that she wants to change me.
But i don't let her. Im a big boy now and know how to use my special big boy pants.

Tell you what, some of the girls I go out with are so stupid they literally can't even spell their own name!
Fair play though, most of them don't start school till next year

I was the victim of one of those honey traps.
I was just about to collect it, when a gang of bees ambushed me.

I'm not a slacker
Just can't be bothered to prove otherwise

I've been topping up my tan today.
Its amazing what you can bottle these days.

I just had a job interview for a sales job, cold calling.
I turned up wearing 3 jumpers, gloves and a wooly hat.

I was so out of it last night I ended up falling in the gutter.
That's the last time I go bowling drunk

It was my first time in the boxing ring and it only took 32 seconds to make a huge impression. Even the judges had to admit ..
"We've never seen a boxer with so many corner men."