It's taken nearly 5 years for my mate to become a black taxi driver.
But after copious amounts of surgery, he finally looks like a fully fledged Rastafarian.

I'm not saying my mates gullible, but I've just sold him Super Ted's secret word for a hundred quid.

I heard that 1 in every 5 mates is into paedofillia
I think it's probably Dave, he has the fittest kids

I love eating my Grandma's dinner when I go to see her on Sundays.
The best bit is when she scratches her head and says, "Where has the food gone from my plate?"

I'm allergic to The Fonz.
I've got HeeeyyyFever.

My mate always says something stupid half of the time.

The wife bought me a pizza back from Tesco earlier.
She said "What do you think? It had a third off."
"Not that great" I said, "I'm still hungry, get a full one next time."

My mind was blown when I aimed a gun at my head and pulled the trigger.

I hate taxi drivers that think they can defy the laws of gravity.
They drive me up the wall.

It was so cold today I couldn't feel my hands.
The last time I remember it being this cold I got frostbite and lost both my hands.

The RSPCA just arrested me for riding my illegally kept unicorn up the high street.
Apparently, it's cruel to glue a funnel to your cats forehead.

Head and Shoulders......
For people with really hairy shoulders .........

I am going to name my kid "Off."
If nothing else, he'll get millions of recommendations every day from others to have intercourse with him!

I was absolutely shocked yesterday when I touched the electric fence.

There are 3 types of people in this world.
People who can count and people who can't.

If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?

I've started a hate campaign against people who don't like other people.

Confession 274856263: I can't count.

My wife didn't enjoy my Yule Log...apparently the bit of bog roll stuck to it put her off.

I was in my local swimming baths when the life guard told me, "No bombing in the pool."
So I did one through the front desk instead.

Growing up my Gran inspired me to become a magician....
When she'd pull tissues from her cardigan sleeve.

Each morning, I wake up with a smile on my face.
I sleep with a coat-hanger in my mouth.

My dad left university with a degree in physics
Still not sure who's it is though

I walked into the pub with my dog, grabbed a pint and sat down in the corner.
My mate walked over and said, "What's the matter, have you two had a row?"
I said, "No, his face is always miserable like that."

I haven't slept for ten days... because that would be too long.