Looking at the sea of faces, eyes filled with panic, crushed together in fear of their lives, Scouse voices shrieking out, I felt that I was reliving the horror of Hillsborough. Then I remembered....
I was in Matalan.

I love to lick my wife's melons first thing in the morning.
Environmental Health have closed down her market stall twice, though.

I owe a lot to my parents.
Especially my mother and my father.

Yesterday was my birthday.
Doctors are stunned by the fact that I can speak and type being only a day old.

What type of computer viruses can be found on a duck's computer?
Mallardware

What do you call a French potato that smokes?
A Paris Piper.

Stood next to a barrel of petrol earlier wondering what would happen was I to drop a match into it.
Then I was enlightened

I can't be bothered to organise my sons first birthday party.
Any suggestions as to what I should do?
He's 14.

Yahoo;'Flamingo chase shuts runway.'
Apparently her brother Chevy put her up to it.

I've been in a car accident in which half of my lower jaw was ripped clean off. It's not so bad though, I can talk to snakes now! Oh, the joys of being a Partialmouth.

Me and the wife decided to join forces earlier.
She doesn't like it, but I think Polambufire sounds good.

News - Kate Winslet saved Richard Branson's grandmother from Necker Island fire
Who do you think they'll pick to play her in the movie?

I didn't realise understand the need for a Pacifier
Until I bought my "Dummies for Dummies" guide

If I had a nickel for everytime I put a cat in a toaster. I'd have, well, a nickel.

I fell asleep in a security installation factory last night.
I was alarmed when I woke up this morning.

I met a director who was a mute today
He was all action,no mouth

My daughter invited me to her birthday party today, I told her I would be happy to attend.
It was a total shambles, they had no immigration policies and no economic resolutions to offer, I think I will stick with the British National Party.

I was having a heart to heart with my very successful, famous son earlier when he said:
"It's not easy being a household name you know."
"Nonsense" I said, "it's never held you back has it Bathroom?"

I told my mate my girlfriend hit me the other day because I can't stop doing cat impressions.
"Your joking!" he replied laughing. "What did you say to her?"
"Me? Ow!"

It's been said that as soon as you drive a new car off a dealer's forecourt it will decrease in value by 1000
I've been driving around this dealership for three weeks now.

My mate told me he'd built himself a women out of old clothes.
Sounds fabricated to me.

My mate looked disappointed when I showed him my collection of up-skirt photographs.
He's obviously not into hovercrafts like I am.

I bought a new mousepad last night.
I don't know why I care for my rodents so much.

Every day for the past 10 years, I've always managed to get in a couple of pints at lunchtime.
The dairy farmer has now realised and reported me to the police for the theft of 7300 pints of milk.

I was in the park today walking my dog and a woman said to me, "That's a nice Bulldog you've got there."
I replied, "No he's not a Bulldog. He's a Greyhound who ran in to a wall chasing a cat."