Gloucestershire Royal Hospital has an almost 100% safety record - one of the highest in the country.
They would have had a 100% safety record except for that one incident when Richard Ashcroft was given an accidental overdose.

This new magazine was turning me on so much. I couldn't help but let out a loud moan of pleasure as I shot my load all over the centre pages.
As I stood there, out of breath, and sweating heavily, I realised that I love my job in construction too much.
And, I'm never allowed back in Screwfix again.

I try to tell blind people that their seeing eye dogs don't love them the same way they do.
They keep leading them on.

I seen a bank sign earlier that read 45.
But it didn't appear to be leaning that much to me.

My wife's fed-up being a golf widow.
She fancies a change of sport.

What type of computer viruses can be found on a duck's computer?
Mallardware

What do you call a French potato that smokes?
A Paris Piper.

Stood next to a barrel of petrol earlier wondering what would happen was I to drop a match into it.
Then I was enlightened

I can't be bothered to organise my sons first birthday party.
Any suggestions as to what I should do?
He's 14.

Yahoo;'Flamingo chase shuts runway.'
Apparently her brother Chevy put her up to it.

I've been in a car accident in which half of my lower jaw was ripped clean off. It's not so bad though, I can talk to snakes now! Oh, the joys of being a Partialmouth.

Me and the wife decided to join forces earlier.
She doesn't like it, but I think Polambufire sounds good.

News - Kate Winslet saved Richard Branson's grandmother from Necker Island fire
Who do you think they'll pick to play her in the movie?

I didn't realise understand the need for a Pacifier
Until I bought my "Dummies for Dummies" guide

If I had a nickel for everytime I put a cat in a toaster. I'd have, well, a nickel.

I fell asleep in a security installation factory last night.
I was alarmed when I woke up this morning.

I met a director who was a mute today
He was all action,no mouth

My daughter invited me to her birthday party today, I told her I would be happy to attend.
It was a total shambles, they had no immigration policies and no economic resolutions to offer, I think I will stick with the British National Party.

I was having a heart to heart with my very successful, famous son earlier when he said:
"It's not easy being a household name you know."
"Nonsense" I said, "it's never held you back has it Bathroom?"

I went to the hardware shop.
I said, "this riding lawnmower is stupid."
They said, "next time, you get on top."

On my 6th Birthday my uncle gave me a present I will never forget.
Aids

I'm in the process of making a film about an old lady that wins at a raffle. It'll be called, 'Grandma's Number'.
The sequel should be even better. 'Grandma's Number 2'

My whole world appeared to have been turned upside down.
So I hung the mirror the right way up.

It's been said that as soon as you drive a new car off a dealer's forecourt it will decrease in value by 1000
I've been driving around this dealership for three weeks now.

Why do so many buses go to Sorry Not In Service?
It can't be a popular place 'cos they are always empty.