I complained to my wife about the state of our sofa this morning.
She said, "Do you wanna throw for it?"
I said, "Yeah, go on then, heads."

I just watched the 2011 remake of "The Six Million Dollar Man." It wasn't very good.
"We can't rebuild him. We don't have the money."

I don't like feeling sorry for myself, but I think if you want something done right you have to do it yourself

I hate these online dating scams. And so does my new Russian girlfriend who can't wait to meet me now I've sent the 10,000 quid for her flight.

Every day this week, my boss has been making me stand on one leg in the corner of the office and I'm getting sick of it.
I'll have to put my foot down.

I studied abroad for some time.
She slapped me and called me a 'pervert'.

A student was asked in an exam- what Is the half of 8?
He wrote- it depends whether you divide it vertically or horizontally. If you divide it vertically it is 3, but if you divide it horizontally it is 0.

I took part in an egg-and-spoon race and won it with ease.
Those eggs and spoons had no chance against me.

I heard a woman in Burger King saying to her son, "Always chew your food fifteen times."
What a ridiculous name for a child!

You know those times where you really get a great deal?
Well, I just got the bargain of a life-time. Not to brag, but earlier I managed to swindle one of those cuddle little meerkats for 1834 and recieved a year's free car insurance!
Bargain..

I took my 2 dogs rabbiting today.
They do a great Chas 'n' Dave tribute.

What do you call a clueless person?
Don't know.

One day I want to become a famous actor and win an Oscar, just so I can paint it green and stick it in a tiny dustbin.

My best friend just told me that I am always jealous.
Wish I was able to notice things like that, lucky so-and-so.

I like to go quietly about my business when I'm in the town centre alone.
It's the only way I can make money as a mime artist.

I hate confrontation.
To be honest, I'd start a fight to avoid it.

My wife took a pregnancy test this morning.
She failed and now she's not allowed to have children.

BBC NEWS: Scientists' research into Brecon Park's elligibility as a 'Dark Night Sky' park could take 1 or 2 years.
Now I'm no astronomer, but I reckon I could beat them to it.

I'm the most street person you'll ever meet. Nothing I like more than hanging with my housies.

"Officer, how can you say I'm riding my quad bike dangerously?" I said. "There's only four of us on it, as surely you're not counting the baby?"

'Nikon watches are truly timeless'
Doesn't that defeat the object of a watch?

Sat having Sunday dinner, the mother-in-law remarks,
"These plates look a little bit dirty?"
"I think it's our washer playing up Irene," I replied,
"My boxers were on the top shelf at the same time and they're still stained."

My girlfriend introduced me to her pregnant friend last night.
She said, "Marc, doesn't she look big for 6 months?"
I said, "Blimey yeah, She looks at least in her 20's".

My mum and dad are thinking of renewing their vowels so I thought seeing how they don't know them already....
I got them to lend me a grand and gave them an I O U

My mates keep saying that the bird I pulled last night was really ugly, but personally I just think they're jealous.
I'd like to see them try and pull a woman with bright white hair & long brown curly teeth.