It's taken nearly 5 years for my mate to become a black taxi driver.
But after copious amounts of surgery, he finally looks like a fully fledged Rastafarian.

My mum always told me to alert authorities if a stranger ever offers me a lift.
The local police officers and bus drivers hate me.

I was watching T.V yesterday when my Mom said, "Stop slacking off and start revising for your exams."
I replied, "I'm revising for my Procrastination exam right now".

My mates keep saying that the bird I pulled last night was really ugly, but personally I just think they're jealous.
I'd like to see them try and pull a woman with bright white hair & long brown curly teeth.

My mum and dad are thinking of renewing their vowels so I thought seeing how they don't know them already....
I got them to lend me a grand and gave them an I O U

My girlfriend introduced me to her pregnant friend last night.
She said, "Marc, doesn't she look big for 6 months?"
I said, "Blimey yeah, She looks at least in her 20's".

Sat having Sunday dinner, the mother-in-law remarks,
"These plates look a little bit dirty?"
"I think it's our washer playing up Irene," I replied,
"My boxers were on the top shelf at the same time and they're still stained."

'Nikon watches are truly timeless'
Doesn't that defeat the object of a watch?

"Officer, how can you say I'm riding my quad bike dangerously?" I said. "There's only four of us on it, as surely you're not counting the baby?"

I'm the most street person you'll ever meet. Nothing I like more than hanging with my housies.

BBC NEWS: Scientists' research into Brecon Park's elligibility as a 'Dark Night Sky' park could take 1 or 2 years.
Now I'm no astronomer, but I reckon I could beat them to it.

My wife took a pregnancy test this morning.
She failed and now she's not allowed to have children.

I hate confrontation.
To be honest, I'd start a fight to avoid it.

I like to go quietly about my business when I'm in the town centre alone.
It's the only way I can make money as a mime artist.

My best friend just told me that I am always jealous.
Wish I was able to notice things like that, lucky so-and-so.

One day I want to become a famous actor and win an Oscar, just so I can paint it green and stick it in a tiny dustbin.

What do you call a clueless person?
Don't know.

I took my 2 dogs rabbiting today.
They do a great Chas 'n' Dave tribute.

You know those times where you really get a great deal?
Well, I just got the bargain of a life-time. Not to brag, but earlier I managed to swindle one of those cuddle little meerkats for 1834 and recieved a year's free car insurance!
Bargain..

I heard a woman in Burger King saying to her son, "Always chew your food fifteen times."
What a ridiculous name for a child!

I took part in an egg-and-spoon race and won it with ease.
Those eggs and spoons had no chance against me.

A student was asked in an exam- what Is the half of 8?
He wrote- it depends whether you divide it vertically or horizontally. If you divide it vertically it is 3, but if you divide it horizontally it is 0.

I studied abroad for some time.
She slapped me and called me a 'pervert'.

Every day this week, my boss has been making me stand on one leg in the corner of the office and I'm getting sick of it.
I'll have to put my foot down.

I hate these online dating scams. And so does my new Russian girlfriend who can't wait to meet me now I've sent the 10,000 quid for her flight.