I don't like feeling sorry for myself, but I think if you want something done right you have to do it yourself

I just watched the 2011 remake of "The Six Million Dollar Man." It wasn't very good.
"We can't rebuild him. We don't have the money."

My girlfriend thought she was funny and bought me a poster of Justin Bieber.
It's okay though, I'm playing darts more then ever.

I love driving past stranded motorists, I can't help but drive past honking my horn, waving and laughing at them, then driving off with a smug look on my face knowing they'll be there for hours.
Maybe why my bosses at the AA want me in for a disciplinary meeting.

I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go,
makes me feel like a bomb disposal expert

My mate came over to my house and complained how nerdy I was.
I spat my tea out in shock. Luckily, I'd fitted polythene covers on the sofa earlier in the day.

Bloke down our rubbish tip boasts he can kill a man with one finger. I think he must dip it in their tea when they're not looking.

I thought my bouncy castle was giving birth earlier, then I realised it was the wife coming down the slide.

Can we have an updated Sickipedia disclaimer please?

I tell you what else makes me jump.
Skipping.

Strictly speaking, the tomato isn't a vegetable.
It's really a kind of dolphin.

I can't believe all these people slagging off Florence and the Machine.
He's a great band.

My sat nav packed up the other day and I got lost. Luckily I saw a fork in the road.
This enabled me to ask the driver of the cutlery lorry, which was upside down in a ditch, which way the A1 was.

If its "needless to say", why say it?

My wife who turns 40 next week just had a check up for breast cancer, however she was too scared to find the results out for herself so she asked me to read them and tell her myself. The results were positive but because I'm such a caring and considerate husband I told her they were negative and she could stop worrying.
Boy is she gonna be in for a surprise at her party next week!

Just put the finishing touches to my new T.V show,
'9 billion ways to die.'
Number 9 billion is 'of old age, watching a pointless countdown show and realising you've wasted your life.'

My mates off travelling around Thailand tomorrow on his own, I asked him who he was flying with?
He replied ''I dont know till I see them on the plane''

Ashley Cole cheats on Cheryl Cole.
Cheryl Cole gets malaria.
Didier Drogba, who is Ashley Cole's teammate, also gets malaria.
Daz: the soap you can believe in.

I was telling a joke to my friend the other day when he told me my punchlines made no sense whatsoever.
That's what I call a hangover!

I stopped mid station today because I had something in my shoe.
It turned out to be my foot.

My mate told me that I'm too vague
But, you know what they say.

I got fined contempt of court 100 by a judge for talking in court with my briefs today.
He's just no idea how much I love those boxer shorts.

My mate says that my insults are "Too long winded, and ridiculous."
Like I really care what that pork sword forehead thinks anyway.

Some people call me an immature bighead,
It's not my fault my high horse is bigger than theirs.

I recently tried to write a short story on Twitter about a cruise liner with a hundred and forty-one people aboard.
I couldn't post it though, too many characters.