I was watching T.V yesterday when my Mom said, "Stop slacking off and start revising for your exams."
I replied, "I'm revising for my Procrastination exam right now".

My mum always told me to alert authorities if a stranger ever offers me a lift.
The local police officers and bus drivers hate me.

Some bloke offered me 150,000 cash to buy my house.
I accepted his offer, took the money and moved out.
Not a bad little deal considering it was owned by the council.

After seeing the Rossetta Stone TV ad about learning a new language I thought I would give it a go, knowing I could return it in 6 months if it didn't work.
After a while I rang them and demanded a refund, explaining how it isn't working and that I spend hours every day trying but to no result.
They didn't buy it and refused to give me a refund!
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have spoke to them in Spanish.

When I was younger my parents kept saying I was going nowhere in life.
I sure showed them when I served them chips at McDonalds.

My girlfriend produced a film.
Which is very unusual because I was expecting a baby.

I Forgot my gloves.
Now I gotta walk around like I'm devising an evil plan.

" Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains"
" I'm sorry, I can't help you. I'm a General Practictioner. You obviously have mental health issues. I could refer you to a specialist if you wish"?

I recently tried to write a short story on Twitter about a cruise liner with a hundred and forty-one people aboard.
I couldn't post it though, too many characters.

Some people call me an immature bighead,
It's not my fault my high horse is bigger than theirs.

My mate says that my insults are "Too long winded, and ridiculous."
Like I really care what that pork sword forehead thinks anyway.

I got fined contempt of court 100 by a judge for talking in court with my briefs today.
He's just no idea how much I love those boxer shorts.

My mate told me that I'm too vague
But, you know what they say.

I stopped mid station today because I had something in my shoe.
It turned out to be my foot.

I was telling a joke to my friend the other day when he told me my punchlines made no sense whatsoever.
That's what I call a hangover!

Ashley Cole cheats on Cheryl Cole.
Cheryl Cole gets malaria.
Didier Drogba, who is Ashley Cole's teammate, also gets malaria.
Daz: the soap you can believe in.

My mates off travelling around Thailand tomorrow on his own, I asked him who he was flying with?
He replied ''I dont know till I see them on the plane''

Just put the finishing touches to my new T.V show,
'9 billion ways to die.'
Number 9 billion is 'of old age, watching a pointless countdown show and realising you've wasted your life.'

My wife who turns 40 next week just had a check up for breast cancer, however she was too scared to find the results out for herself so she asked me to read them and tell her myself. The results were positive but because I'm such a caring and considerate husband I told her they were negative and she could stop worrying.
Boy is she gonna be in for a surprise at her party next week!

If its "needless to say", why say it?

My sat nav packed up the other day and I got lost. Luckily I saw a fork in the road.
This enabled me to ask the driver of the cutlery lorry, which was upside down in a ditch, which way the A1 was.

I can't believe all these people slagging off Florence and the Machine.
He's a great band.

Strictly speaking, the tomato isn't a vegetable.
It's really a kind of dolphin.

I tell you what else makes me jump.
Skipping.

Can we have an updated Sickipedia disclaimer please?