I thought my bouncy castle was giving birth earlier, then I realised it was the wife coming down the slide.

Bloke down our rubbish tip boasts he can kill a man with one finger. I think he must dip it in their tea when they're not looking.

My mate came over to my house and complained how nerdy I was.
I spat my tea out in shock. Luckily, I'd fitted polythene covers on the sofa earlier in the day.

I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go,
makes me feel like a bomb disposal expert

I love driving past stranded motorists, I can't help but drive past honking my horn, waving and laughing at them, then driving off with a smug look on my face knowing they'll be there for hours.
Maybe why my bosses at the AA want me in for a disciplinary meeting.

My girlfriend thought she was funny and bought me a poster of Justin Bieber.
It's okay though, I'm playing darts more then ever.

I told my wife I'd bought a time machine but she didn't believe me so I pulled out a gun.
She said, "That's a gun you idiot, not a time machine."
"Yeah I know," I replied as I shot her in the head and killed her, "but now I can go back and start my life again."

I saw a poster in my local newsagents that said, 'Have you seen our missing dog? Please call with any information'.
So I got straight on the phone and told the distressed woman that my favourite colour is blue.

I bought myself a camper van today.
When I put my tools in the back it says, "Oooooo be gentle'.

I was walking past a take-away today and there was a sign in the window 'Hot Dogs Served Here'
I walked in and there was a sweaty poodle buying an ice cream.

crastination...I'll put the "pro" in it later.

My mate's absolutely insane. He just told me that he needed to rush home to talk to his plants as it helps them grow.
I just send mine a text usually?

My daughter came home last night, holding hands with some guy.
"Mom, Dad, this is my new friend Taylor," she said.
Gladdened, I replied, "Very good, honey." Then I turned to my wife. "Go get the torn clothes in the wardrobe."

I woke up this morning and found that my hair had turned green and my nose was bright red.
I must have slept funny.

Just told my mum that I'm getting married to a girl I know from Facebook whom I've never met. She said, "You my son, need professional help!"
So I've hired a Wedding Planner

For my birthday I rented one of those tacky long limousines. I told my friends I'd pick them up from Dave's between 3pm and 3.30pm.
I did warn them it was a long one.

I was in a rave when someone asked me what tunes do I like,
"The Blackcurrant ones are my favourite, what about you?", I said.

My maths exam had the most bizarre thing in it, it said:
"The following number is even... 5."
I thought, "That's odd."

It's weird how shampoo says 'for external use only'. It's like, you know what, I really feel like my liver could use a good wash.

As I came downstairs this morning my father turned to me and said "Have you made your bed, son?"
"No, dad. You bought it."

I got short changed in Top Man today..
I look really silly dressed as a midget.

I wheeled my 50's jukebox into A&E.
"Can I help?" enquired the receptionist.
"Yeah, I think I've got a slipped disc."

I was out walking in the woods today when I saw a bigfoot.
That hunter costume he had on wasn't fooling me!

A policeman pulled me over last night and asked, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?"
"Yes" I slurred, "But I'm not over the limit."
"We will let the breathalyser decide that" he replied. "Take a deep breath and blow into this until I say stop."
Within a second the policeman shouted, "Stop!"
"Blimey, that was quick" I said, "What did I blow?"
He said, "My finger."

I ran my wife over this morning. It was my fault really; I shouldnt have been driving in the kitchen.