Playing Zynga poker on Facebook is equivalent to playing the national lottery home board game.

Due to my experiences you get a total different reaction when you say "What a cutie" if it is to someones child or if it is to the guy next to you in the urinal.

My wife had just made my dinner and asked if I wanted any salt and pepper on.
I said "Sure, If we don't have any LL cool J"

I once went to see a dyslexic magician.
I pulled a hobbit out of a rat.

'Rhino poaching problem in South Africa'.
Why can't they just stick to eggs like the rest of us?

I pitched an idea to organise days out plane spotting for the blind.
They couldn't see it taking off.

Last night I was chatting up a woman in a club.
I said to her, "I'm about 9 inches when I'm hard."
"Yeah right" she laughed, "Prove it."
So I punched some random bloke in the face and then quickly hid in her handbag.

There is a man at a blonde convention to prove blonds are not dumb, he politely asks a random woman from the crowd to come up, he asks her 'what is 5 + 5?'
The blond replies 'I know this one.... seven!'
The man is about to ask a different person up because this woman is clearly very stupid but the crowd wail
'give her another chance give her another chance'
The man then asks the blonde 'what is 3 + 3?'
The blonde replies 'SIX!'
The man then turns to the crowd who he expects to applaud as the crowd shouts out...
'Give her another chance!, give her another chance!

I told a local DJ that I had a large amount of rare vinyl.
"Is there any chance that I could come round and have a look?" he asked.
He didn't look too impressed when I showed him my collection of flooring.

I was in the pub when this bloke asked me if i wanted to buy some steroids... I said no thanks...my stairs are strong enough already

If i was given a penny for everytime i answered a question vaguely...
I would have a lot of pennies

I really like Air Crash Investigation, but they need to stop repeating the pilot episode.

My girlfriends autistic son seems disturbed at my being in his home.
The other night I was trying to cook a romantic meal for her but he kept dropping spoons in the hot pans.
He's just trying to stir things.

My kids begged me to let them have some sparklers to take to the park this evening but I had to tell them that they're too young to play with fireworks.
They'll just have to make do with twirling their cigarettes around really quickly like all the other children.

I've always enjoyed the pull-out sections you get in magazines and
I particularly enjoyed my new Roundabout magazine where there was
a pull-out unexpectedly section.

I'm feeling a bit under the weather at the moment.
Maybe I should just go back indoors.

I was in the bookies today, and I was quite surprised when my horse came in.
A bloke I was chatting to, asked if he could give him a stroke.

My boss fired me for being "incompetent".
How could I be something I dont even know what it is?

I went to the hospital this morning.
The nurse said, "It's your liver, it's related to cider."
I said, "Yeah, brothers."

"Well, well! I had to see it to believe it!"
If more people thought this way, religion wouldn't be so popular, would it?

Two stickers walk into a bar
One says 'well done!' And the other one says 'excellent!'

I once tried to be a fish farmer. It was a complete disaster though. I think I planted them to early.

I was watching this medical show where they said people with far too much metal in their diet often have a poor vocabulary and struggle to use abstract terms in the correct context.
"How interesting," I thought, as I ate another iron magnet.
It tasted irony.

I went up to this gorgeous Redhead last night, "Hi there, does the collar match the cuffs?" I said with a cheeky wink
"Of course it does, this blouse wasn't cheap ya know!"
Turns out she was a natural blonde...

I made a mint at the bookies today.
I stuck 3 pieces of Polo together to waste time before I went home to tell the wife I'd lost our house on the first race.