Ive decided its time for a change in my life..... 9 days is enough for any underwear.

Clearly neither capitalism nor communism worked, so I think the logical next step is alcoholism.

BBC News: Red Arrows grounded after crash.
Well, duh.

I went in to buy some jeans and said to the woman, 'I'm looking for some jeans'. She said 'What leg?' I said 'Both.'

my girlfriend is leaving me because of my conspiracy theories... or is that what the government wants me to think???

The wife and I sat down to watch "Arthur" last night.....
Was going great until his mum rang for him to come home for his tea..

I got fired from my job for phone hacking.
Turns out that the call centre didn't appreciate my axe rampage.

How many Microsoft windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
three!
one to change it, one to ask you if your sure you want to change it, and one to ask you if your sure your sure you want to change it.

If life throws you lemmings, you're probably dyslexic.

How many stubborn people does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Stubborn people won't change.

`Every girl I meet asks me the same question.'
`What question ?'

A market researcher stopped me earlier and asked me what was my favourite condiment.
I said, "I'd never reveal my sauces."

How do you find a needle in a haystack?
Sell it and wait for a complaint.

Evian - 'Still Mineral Water'.
I think it will always be mineral water.

As I was struggling to look through my variety box of hot chocolate drinks, I suddenly realised:
Failure is not an Option.

My wife was mocking me calling me stupid today.
If she thinks I'm going to marry her now she's got another thing coming.

My hairdresser dosent cut hair any longer... just shorter

I went to a clown convention today.
I didn't like it though. Everyone was giving me funny looks.

I've decided to become a Baggie collector...
My Dad thinks I'm losing the pot.

My wife always wanted me to stick up for her.
Robbing the bank with her by my side wasn't what she had in mind.

I'm starting to think Rihanna's last name is (featuring).

I'm absolutely brilliant in bed.
Yesterday I slept in until 2pm.

I worked as a mail-man in Kathmandu for 3 years. I've never been the same since I came home I think I'm suffering from post Nepal depression

My friend says I have trouble understanding how to end jokes.

Bonfire Night.
Celebrating a failed terrorist attack with lots of little explosions.