I once took a pill of ecstasy on a date.
I had a wonderful time and I made sure the pill made it home alright.

I caught my daughter spraying graffiti over the side of the house yesterday.
She'd written, "Juxtaposition".
I asked her, "What is the meaning of this?"

Went for a historical walk in town today.
Didn't find it funny at all.

A tourist is looking for buildings of intrest in a city. He decides to ask a local, who is standing at the side of the road.
Tourist: "Excuse me sir, you wouldn't happen to know if there is anything worth visiting here?
Local: "Well, son. You see that building there?"
Tourist: "Yes" sounding curious...
Local: "And you know if you look over there you can see that block of apartments..."
Tourist: "Yes!" getting more enthusiastic...
Local: "And you see that wee buildin' in between them?"
Tourist: "Yes! Yes! YES!" effectively screaming now...
Local: "Well that's the Co-op."

My wife said my inability to keep secrets would get me into real trouble one of these days.
So I strangled her and buried her under the patio.

My girlfriend called me thick the other day.
I informed her the technical term is 'wide girth' but thanked her for the compliment.

I saw an old man walking with a bag of shopping and a cane stick earlier.
"Would you like me to take that for you?" I asked.
"If that's okay," he replied, "I'm only going to the bus stop, but you don't have to."
"I want to," I said with a smile.
"Well thank you very much," he replied.
"No probs," I said, as I walked off doing my best Charlie Chaplin impression.

At the bus stop this morning I saw a gentleman getting more and more agitated the later his bus was. He tutted, started checking his watch and grumbled under his breath. I began to wonder how angry he'd be at the driver when two of the same bus came along at once.
He went off on one.

"Do you know what the green cross code is son?"
"Yeh, Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry."

I've been doing some experimenting with bread and have developed a new dough that is pitch black. I'm calling it 'Dark Night' dough.
I'm just waiting for it to rise.

I got the last seat on a crowded bus
when an old lady got on.
Someone said, "look at the poor woman without a seat,give it up for her"
so i cheered and gave her a round of
applause.

I changed my car horn to gun shot sounds...
People get out the way much faster now.

It took me nearly 20 minutes to get home in the pouring rain last night, I was soaked from head to toe.
As I finally made it outside my house, my wife opened the bedroom window and shouted, "That's not very clever Dave, is it?"
"I can't odds the weather, love" I replied.
She said, "No, but you could've at least put the roof up on the car."

I booked a normal everyday guy to walk around and talk to the kids for my son's birthday party today.
Working in a circus, he's just so used to seeing me dressed as a clown all the time.

Man walks into a library and asks, "I'm looking for a book on large aquatic seabirds."
"Do you know the authors name?" asked the librarian.
"Yes," he replied, "It's by Albert Ross."

My mates got one eye brilliantly disguised as a pirate.
Its not a patch on the other one.

We've got a new origami machine in the office where I work.
Well, it used to be a printer until I took a hammer to it.

I used to frown upon cosmetic surgery.
Until the surgery made it impossible to do so.

I went in to the bank today with my missus and the cashier said to me, "Would you like to open a joint account?"
I replied, "That depends. How much are you going to put in?"

My boss came to me today and said, "I need someone to finish this report by Friday."
I replied, "Have you tried Robinson Crusoe."

I stole a packet of Duracell and some sodium chloride earlier.
Got arrested for salt and batteries.

My mate just asked, "What's the best way to pick up a woman?"
I said, "Bend your knees and keep your back straight."

I hate jokes about animals
they are so irrelephant

I climbed a staircase today.
In hindsight, I probably should have just walked up it.

My mates and I got carried away in a club the other night.
When we refused to leave, the doormen gave us a good hiding and called us an ambulance.