I got the last seat on a crowded bus
when an old lady got on.
Someone said, "look at the poor woman without a seat,give it up for her"
so i cheered and gave her a round of
applause.

I've been doing some experimenting with bread and have developed a new dough that is pitch black. I'm calling it 'Dark Night' dough.
I'm just waiting for it to rise.

"Do you know what the green cross code is son?"
"Yeh, Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry."

At the bus stop this morning I saw a gentleman getting more and more agitated the later his bus was. He tutted, started checking his watch and grumbled under his breath. I began to wonder how angry he'd be at the driver when two of the same bus came along at once.
He went off on one.

I saw an old man walking with a bag of shopping and a cane stick earlier.
"Would you like me to take that for you?" I asked.
"If that's okay," he replied, "I'm only going to the bus stop, but you don't have to."
"I want to," I said with a smile.
"Well thank you very much," he replied.
"No probs," I said, as I walked off doing my best Charlie Chaplin impression.

My girlfriend called me thick the other day.
I informed her the technical term is 'wide girth' but thanked her for the compliment.

My wife said my inability to keep secrets would get me into real trouble one of these days.
So I strangled her and buried her under the patio.

A tourist is looking for buildings of intrest in a city. He decides to ask a local, who is standing at the side of the road.
Tourist: "Excuse me sir, you wouldn't happen to know if there is anything worth visiting here?
Local: "Well, son. You see that building there?"
Tourist: "Yes" sounding curious...
Local: "And you know if you look over there you can see that block of apartments..."
Tourist: "Yes!" getting more enthusiastic...
Local: "And you see that wee buildin' in between them?"
Tourist: "Yes! Yes! YES!" effectively screaming now...
Local: "Well that's the Co-op."

Went for a historical walk in town today.
Didn't find it funny at all.

I caught my daughter spraying graffiti over the side of the house yesterday.
She'd written, "Juxtaposition".
I asked her, "What is the meaning of this?"

I once took a pill of ecstasy on a date.
I had a wonderful time and I made sure the pill made it home alright.

My mate always has birds hanging off his arm.
He's a poacher.

I think all the not so scary monsters hang out at the back of marathons and pretend all the athletes are running away from them.

"My name is Bambi, son of a murdered mother, husband of an endangered foal, I will have my vengeance in this life or the next."

I can't make my mind up if my imaginary girlfriend is keeping our baby or having an abortion.

I was driving along a dark road, then I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the figure of a man.
I immediately stopped the car and got out as quick as I could.
Then a few moments later I returned to the car, feeling like such an idiot..
I completely forgot that I just arrested someone.

I walked up to a bloke in the pub who I thought I recognised last night.
I held my hand out and said, "Gary, how are you?"
He shook my hand and said, "Dave, not bad thank you Gary."

My little daughter was so hot, laying there on the bed.
She opened her mouth slightly, and I gently eased it in.
"Move your tongue a little," I told her.
She sighed. I could see beads of sweat on her forehead.
"That's better, baby."
In moments I was done. I drew it out and looked at it.
"Yup, just what I suspected. 39 degrees, you've got a fever!"

I went to a village shop earlier, but they'd sold out.
So I bought a small town instead.

I love girls in short skirts.
Weirdly though, less so when I'm wearing trousers.

My brother lost a stone last week...
I've never seen anyone so upset about losing a pet rock.

My mates and I got carried away in a club the other night.
When we refused to leave, the doormen gave us a good hiding and called us an ambulance.

I climbed a staircase today.
In hindsight, I probably should have just walked up it.

I hate jokes about animals
they are so irrelephant

My mate just asked, "What's the best way to pick up a woman?"
I said, "Bend your knees and keep your back straight."