My brother lost a stone last week...
I've never seen anyone so upset about losing a pet rock.

I love girls in short skirts.
Weirdly though, less so when I'm wearing trousers.

I went to a village shop earlier, but they'd sold out.
So I bought a small town instead.

My little daughter was so hot, laying there on the bed.
She opened her mouth slightly, and I gently eased it in.
"Move your tongue a little," I told her.
She sighed. I could see beads of sweat on her forehead.
"That's better, baby."
In moments I was done. I drew it out and looked at it.
"Yup, just what I suspected. 39 degrees, you've got a fever!"

I walked up to a bloke in the pub who I thought I recognised last night.
I held my hand out and said, "Gary, how are you?"
He shook my hand and said, "Dave, not bad thank you Gary."

I was driving along a dark road, then I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the figure of a man.
I immediately stopped the car and got out as quick as I could.
Then a few moments later I returned to the car, feeling like such an idiot..
I completely forgot that I just arrested someone.

I can't make my mind up if my imaginary girlfriend is keeping our baby or having an abortion.

"My name is Bambi, son of a murdered mother, husband of an endangered foal, I will have my vengeance in this life or the next."

I think all the not so scary monsters hang out at the back of marathons and pretend all the athletes are running away from them.

My mate always has birds hanging off his arm.
He's a poacher.

Teacher: If Jenny has a bag of 10 rocks, but then loses 3 stones, what is she left with?
Student: A better chance of getting a boyfriend.

A mate's just been round showing me a moneybelt he bought on the internet for 100.
What a waist of cash.

I went to see a Jewish magician last night.
He pulled a Rabbi out of a hat.

I think I'm going to shave the middle of each eyebrow so that my nose looks like it's a quote.

Art, music, cookery... Truly, there is no start to my talents.

I couldn't work out how someone could hypnotise me, but then I realised the answer was staring me in the face.

I've always wanted to join a band, but my girlfriend said I wouldn't because I play the silliest instrument.
So I took my electric triangle and went elsewhere.

My wife suggested we play Pictionary. She stood at the front of the room and held 4 fingers up...
"Four words" I said
She then proceeded to make a winding motion with her hand
"Jack in the box" I shouted.

As I entered a restaurant last night, the waiter took my coat and sat me down.
He walked off, then came back a few minutes later and said, "What can I get for you?"
I said, "My phone, my cigarettes and my wallet please."

As I sat there in court with my solicitor nervously biting my finger nails, I looked at him and said,
"Can you stop doing that to my finger nails please?"

I actually think the BBC iplayer is overrated,
It's just full of repeats.

In Fairytale News: The Pied Piper has 12 rats behind him.
More to follow.

I had a dream I was eating a big fat marshmellow.
I woke up, my wife was still there.

My next door neighbours pit bull attacked our cat today.
My kids looked on screaming as I ran out and beat him to a pulp with a baseball bat.
Well, the dog was going to kill him anyway so I thought it was the kindest thing to do.

Why are good looking women never clever?
Because otherwise they would be men.