My wife brought me a medallion steak the other day.
I haven't the heart to tell her its starting to make my neck smell.

BBC : Man ignores warning and shark bites off his legs.
Not big or clever.

Sometimes I like to cover myself in vaseline and pretend I'm a slug.

My wife left me over breakfast last Monday because of my obsession with randomly speaking French.
I think she had Un Oeuf with me.

I've just come back from the ultrasound music festival in Staffordshire...
It was a load of rubbish, I couldn't hear anything.

I just cleaned my pet fox's teeth with a bunch of herbs.
Basil Brush

I think my house is haunted.
I keep hearing moaning coming from my sisters room.

I had to laugh earlier.
I was inhaling nitrous oxide.

I left my front door ajar last night.
It's not much but I want everything in my house to get something in my will.

It always seems to be people called Roger who have Walkie Talkies.

I saw an old lady knock over a black girl today.
The black girl was laying unconcious in the road so I ran over and gave her mouth to mouth.
Well, it was actually a snog and a high 5, me & the old lady had a right laugh.

I don't like lion bars.
They're very dangerous places to socialize in.

Why did elmo go to weight watchers?
Because he liked big birds.

Why does the police force insist on hiring uneducated people?!
I saw a policeman stood outside someone's house the other day behind a line of yellow tape which clearly stated: "Police: Do Not Cross."

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

I'm sick of kids stopping me and taking my milk money off me every morning.
I'm getting a turbo engine installed in my float as soon as I can afford it.

Moths fly towards lights because they confuse them with the moon. But why do they want to fly to the moon anyway? Idiots.

What's white but not aware of it yet?
Tim Westwood.

If nuns have a religion, do you think they are more stupid than they look.

I'm just biting my nails...
..I'm gonna chew a few screws later...

I was feeling quite childish yesterday upon mounting a bike for the first time in years.
My mate looked at me and bet me 8 beers I couldn't pull a wheelie.
I got the front up off the floor and it was going great until I pulled backwards to much and tipped it.
Now I'm in hospital minus a few pints of blood, and a gym membership.

I planted a bulb at the start of the summer.
I'm hoping to have a nice bedside lamp by Christmas.

I'm having some sort of problem using the right-click on my mouse.
I just cant quite put my finger on it.

How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
They won't change it, they'll just wait for it to burnout and then follow it around for 40 years.

Fool kids that look like you by telling them your them from the future and just walking off