I bought some fireworks on the cheap.
They were were fire-damaged stock and to be honest they didn't go too well.

Walked into the toilets at the pub last night and they were out of order.
There were racist jokes written all over the walls.

Whilst blindfolded, I picked out a velvet smoking jacket, a Paisley patterned kipper tie, checked golfer's plus-fours, a pair of lime green socks and some black loafers.
I hate these blind taste tests.

I phoned my doctor this morning.
I said, "Everytime I talk to somebody I make wild animal noises and I try to encourage them to make the same noise".
He said, "Okay, can you bear with me please"
I said, "Come on then, you go first".

I must abstain from licking windows, I'm putting the window cleaner out of buisness.

'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go'
After forgetting to book the day of, Bashful didn't make full use of the birthday treats Snow White had provided for him...

My mate walked into the pub, sat down and said, "Fancy buying me a pint".
I said, "I haven't, that's my pint".

Just watching the highlights of the womens tennis at wimbledon, and i've not seen this many ova's since the cricket world cup.

Never throw stones in a greenhouse.
It will damage the paintwork.

I rang the doctor because the wife's been acting like a cat all morning, doing things like lapping milk and purring.
The doctor said, "Sounds like you need a psychiatrist more?"
"One's already here, but he can't do a thing now she's fallen out the tree"

I asked the Doctor, "Is it curable?"
"I'm not too sure," he replied after looking at the box, "I don't know much about epoxies."

I was sat on the train earlier
It isn't easy to travel in Mumbai!

I recently did a stand-up gig at a convention for wedding cake suppliers.
They were in tiers.

It sends my son crazy when I tell him to sit on the naughty step,
We live in a Bungalow.

Over the years I've lost count of the amount of women that have tried it on with me, but I always knock them back.
I love being a bouncer.

After a few too many pints, this was the evening's last chance to show everyone my singing voice.
Grabbing the microphone I really went for it with my favourite Sinatra song, 'my way'.
The audience were spellbound, they'd never seen anything like it, not even my two earlier songs in the night.
At the point of, 'And now the end is near ..' suddenly my mic went dead and an annoucement came over the speakers:-
"Ladies and gentlement, please remain calm and seated," it began. "The police are coming to arrest our steward, as soon as the plane has landed."

Base 7 Mathematics.
I'm going to put that into Room 203.

I received a package with the label "handle with care."
I had to send it back, I don't remember ordering a protected handle.

The Marlboro Man was cut from The Avengers after just a single issue when the creators realised that crippling lung cancer wasn't actually much of a superpower.

Shorter and stubbier than fingers, with only one per hand is my rule of thumb.

My fat wife just came into the living room and proudly announced she's gone from a size 18 to a size 16.
I had no idea her feet were that big in the first place.

I was stood at the paper stand in Asda earlier reading the Daily Mirror when a woman from customer services came up to me and said, "It's not a library this you know!"
So I started reading it as loud as I could at the top of my voice.

The wife just accused me of over reacting, so I spontaneously combusted.

I was buying a house number plate earlier when I saw a sign that said, "Buy one get one free."
Which was useful, considering I live at number 11.

I was really drunk coming home from the pub last night and I took a wrong turn too fast and ended up smashing into a brick wall.
I broke my arm, nose and collar bone, but it could have been much worse if I'd have been driving.