I rang the doctor because the wife's been acting like a cat all morning, doing things like lapping milk and purring.
The doctor said, "Sounds like you need a psychiatrist more?"
"One's already here, but he can't do a thing now she's fallen out the tree"

I bought some fireworks on the cheap.
They were were fire-damaged stock and to be honest they didn't go too well.

Walked into the toilets at the pub last night and they were out of order.
There were racist jokes written all over the walls.

Whilst blindfolded, I picked out a velvet smoking jacket, a Paisley patterned kipper tie, checked golfer's plus-fours, a pair of lime green socks and some black loafers.
I hate these blind taste tests.

I phoned my doctor this morning.
I said, "Everytime I talk to somebody I make wild animal noises and I try to encourage them to make the same noise".
He said, "Okay, can you bear with me please"
I said, "Come on then, you go first".

I must abstain from licking windows, I'm putting the window cleaner out of buisness.

'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go'
After forgetting to book the day of, Bashful didn't make full use of the birthday treats Snow White had provided for him...

My mate walked into the pub, sat down and said, "Fancy buying me a pint".
I said, "I haven't, that's my pint".

Just watching the highlights of the womens tennis at wimbledon, and i've not seen this many ova's since the cricket world cup.

Never throw stones in a greenhouse.
It will damage the paintwork.

If plan A fails remember you have 25 letters left.

Me and the wife sat up for hours trying to remember what the opposite of a day is.
Eventually we called it a night.

I went to a party last night and got talking to a Policeman.
Sounds far better than arrested, doesn't it?

Due to this unseasonably warm weather, I'm off to a beer garden....
I've always wanted to seen how it's grown.

I walked into a bank today and said, "Can you change this 20 note for me?"
"Sure" said the cashier, "What would you like?"
I said, "A 50 note."

I'm beginning to think my imaginary girlfriend is cheating on me.
She says it's all in my head.

My local pet shop have banned me from buying any more animals off them over claims I'm irresponsible.
It wasn't my fault my tortoise ran away.

I bought a box at the local football club to use for hospitality to entertain clients.
It gets crowded sometimes, usually at corner kicks.

I find it very difficult to talk to my broken umbrella. It never opens up.

Scooping your boxer shorts up off the bedroom floor with your feet and effortlessly catching them in your hand, thinking you should be in the Barcelona starting 11....
You know you've done it.

I was really drunk coming home from the pub last night and I took a wrong turn too fast and ended up smashing into a brick wall.
I broke my arm, nose and collar bone, but it could have been much worse if I'd have been driving.

I was buying a house number plate earlier when I saw a sign that said, "Buy one get one free."
Which was useful, considering I live at number 11.

The wife just accused me of over reacting, so I spontaneously combusted.

I was stood at the paper stand in Asda earlier reading the Daily Mirror when a woman from customer services came up to me and said, "It's not a library this you know!"
So I started reading it as loud as I could at the top of my voice.

My fat wife just came into the living room and proudly announced she's gone from a size 18 to a size 16.
I had no idea her feet were that big in the first place.