Shorter and stubbier than fingers, with only one per hand is my rule of thumb.

The Marlboro Man was cut from The Avengers after just a single issue when the creators realised that crippling lung cancer wasn't actually much of a superpower.

I received a package with the label "handle with care."
I had to send it back, I don't remember ordering a protected handle.

Base 7 Mathematics.
I'm going to put that into Room 203.

After a few too many pints, this was the evening's last chance to show everyone my singing voice.
Grabbing the microphone I really went for it with my favourite Sinatra song, 'my way'.
The audience were spellbound, they'd never seen anything like it, not even my two earlier songs in the night.
At the point of, 'And now the end is near ..' suddenly my mic went dead and an annoucement came over the speakers:-
"Ladies and gentlement, please remain calm and seated," it began. "The police are coming to arrest our steward, as soon as the plane has landed."

Over the years I've lost count of the amount of women that have tried it on with me, but I always knock them back.
I love being a bouncer.

It sends my son crazy when I tell him to sit on the naughty step,
We live in a Bungalow.

I recently did a stand-up gig at a convention for wedding cake suppliers.
They were in tiers.

I was sat on the train earlier
It isn't easy to travel in Mumbai!

I asked the Doctor, "Is it curable?"
"I'm not too sure," he replied after looking at the box, "I don't know much about epoxies."

If Malisse beats Murray at Queens they should name a town after him.

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight......
I'd never be bored again

The BBC has decided to cut back on spending for deaf people.
They have sacked all the people who do sign language and have just increased the volume.

My wife said "Why can't you ever accept responsibility?"
I replied " It's not my fault I'm like that".

My blonde wife has brought an Open-Top Submarine.
That will go down well.

I just wish I heeded my mate's advice a bit more with my new puppy.
"Take care with the heat in the car when leaving it on it's own!" he said.
Stupid me could only afford a two bar electric fire and it's died.

Ive got a huge octagonal gold plate I carry with me, I hold it in front of me if hippies try to sign me to an NSPCC direct debit.
I call it the Charity Shield.

My wife was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."
She turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."

My mate has never broken a promise for as long as I've known him.
Mind you,he's never made one either.

I've just bought a car that won't go in a straight line.
Drives me round the bend.

A psychic once told me that my kid's names would always be up there in lights and she was right.
I called one Taxi and the other one Burger King.

I suspected my wife was cheating on me, so I took a leaf out of Rupert Murdoch's book and tried tapping her phone.
I don't get what all of the fuss is about - I've been doing it for three days now and all I've got is a sore finger.

I went for an interview today for a job as a fortune teller, thinking i'd be able to wing it.
it was all going fine until they asked me where i saw myself in 5 years.

I was talking to a bloke in the pub tonight.
I said, "I got a parking ticket today."
He said, "Really? Where did you get it?"
I said, "Under my windscreen wiper."

To me, getting overused catchphrases wrong is like shooting a fish at point-blank range.