News - Kate Winslet saved Richard Branson's grandmother from Necker Island fire
Who do you think they'll pick to play her in the movie?

Me and the wife decided to join forces earlier.
She doesn't like it, but I think Polambufire sounds good.

I've been in a car accident in which half of my lower jaw was ripped clean off. It's not so bad though, I can talk to snakes now! Oh, the joys of being a Partialmouth.

Yahoo;'Flamingo chase shuts runway.'
Apparently her brother Chevy put her up to it.

I can't be bothered to organise my sons first birthday party.
Any suggestions as to what I should do?
He's 14.

Stood next to a barrel of petrol earlier wondering what would happen was I to drop a match into it.
Then I was enlightened

What do you call a French potato that smokes?
A Paris Piper.

What type of computer viruses can be found on a duck's computer?
Mallardware

I was driving my car along the motorway when the police stopped me.
"Sir, where's the body?" Asked one cop.
"Search all you want, you'll not find one, you have nothing on me so let me go!" I shouted back.
"I can't let you drive away in a car with no roof or sides" he replied.

I said to one of the customers in the restaurant last night, "Excuse me sir, but do you own the pink VW Beetle outside with leopard skin seat covers and fuzzy dice hanging off the mirrors?"
He replied, "Yes, why is something wrong?"
"Yes, everything about it."

Great, a petrol shortage...
How will I fill my Zippo up.

Just saw Frank Bruno's wife with two black eyes and a broken nose.
She must have been using the microwave.

Did you hear about the fashion designer who died in a changing room?
It was a fitting end.

Liverpool's trophy cabinet contains more Disney memorabilia than a warehouse in Florida!

I just came back from a country where it's extremely hot and damp. There it's just like being in a damp, heated sports arena.
It's called Indoornesia

My friends pointed out that I have developed an obsession with making lists.
So i wrote down some method's of how I can stop.
1. ...

Who performed the world's first emergency c-section?
Moses.

You don't know how much you love someone until they're gone.
So when my wife asked for my love, I decided to kill her.

I was walking along at night when I suddenly fell down a dark and damp hole. So I thought to myself,
"Well..."

You've got to hand it to the boys in blue for their professionalism.
I saw a sign on the road today that said 'stop police', and judging by the amount of panda cars that were there, every one of them had.

How do you get a one-armed man off the monkey bars?
Hit him with an axe.

I was in the pub last night when my friend asked, "How's business? Still slow?"
I replied, "It's so slow mate I don't watch the clock, I watch the calender."

People have kept pointing out that I should wear my Poppy with pride this week, so I've got round to it eventually ...
I know it's a bit of a girlie name for a dog and she didn't half wince when I stuck in the safety pin.

As I stood outside the newsagents this morning a couple of kids walked past.
"Excuse me boys" I said, "If I give you the money could you go into this shop and buy me a newspaper please?"
"Why can't you?" they asked.
"I'm not allowed" I said, pointing to the sign on the door that said, 'Only two school children are allowed in'

Some people say I'm disorganised. I'm too busy christmas shopping to pay any attention