In an attempt to better myself in the run up to my exams, I've decided it's time to work harder.
I'm going to put 100% into everythi.

My wife went mental when I lost yet another set of keys.
To make things worse, she has banned me from playing the piano.

What do you call a child molester with lots of legs.
A Centipaedo.

My wife left me this time last year because I was always "too nostalgic"
Ah, those were the days...

I've just watched the African version of The Goonies.
Hey you flies.....

I was sat on the bus earlier. As usual, there was a group of teenagers playing loud music through their phones, swearing in front of children and making a general nuisance of themselves. Luckily, this was my stop and I got off. However, I dread to think what I would have ended up doing had I stayed on for a couple more stops.
Probably cross the road and wait for the next bus to take me back.

As I was beating my wife on the wii, I thought to myself,
Maybe I should abuse her on a more sensible surface.

If McDonald's do make it illegal to sell their food to anyone under the age of 18, rap will sound a lot different.
Gangsters bragging about how they've been selling BigMac's for years and that they still haven't been caught.

I like to sit in a tennis umpires chair when reading a book in the library.
Just so I can be the one who shouts, "Silence."

Yahoo: Rooney sends signed shirt to fan who's wrist he broke, after firing a shot wide.
In other news: Torres has run out of pens to sign shirts.

Turbans...
For those times when you're out and about and might need a tea towel.

I almost bought a gyroscope earlier, but the bloke who was selling it wouldn't let me take it out for a spin.

Some people have such terrible phone manners these days. They're either
shouting, wanting help or crying their eyes out.
I always just slam the phone down.
I eventually got sacked as a 999 operator.

I can't believe how much money people spend on buying patterned toilet paper.
A felt tip pen and normal toilet paper works out much cheaper.

My mate has just got a job as a lifeguard at the local swimming baths.
I love having friends in high places.

I was sweating down some onions tonight when a greengrocer came over and said, "No joggers near my fruit & veg!"

I'm one of the lawyers in a messy divorce.
He's citing her affair with Mr Tickle as grounds.

To all the people saying; "the clocks have went forward, there's an hour of my life I'll never get back." You do realise that the clocks go back again in October?

What would Data's evil twin be called?
Corrupted Data.

While on safari, I saw a group of hippo's voting as to whether another member of the group should be expelled for having a large mouth.
Hippocracy at it's prime.

walking through Liverpool city centre today and its like a ghost town.
I think they have taken this boycott of the sun way too serious.

I was going to work on my tractor this morning when I suddenly thought to myself, "Surely the bus would've been quicker".

Despite all his heinous crimes over the years, Osama Bin Laden only has one regret.
Filling out his Census form.

I was in line at the Barber's today waiting to have a #2 when I thought, "Hang on, maybe I should be in the toilet."

I always clean my entire house religiously. Once for Easter, once for Christmas.