After a hard and stressful day at work, I decided to treat my staff to a few drinks down the pub.
Everything went according to plan, until the landlord said, "No dogs are allowed in here."

My mate just attatched a tennis ball to his radio antena on his car.
He must have great service

I was on the train when the conductor asked to see my ticket. I said, "Sorry but I've lost it."
He replied, "Lost you ticket. That's nothing but a fare-based lie."

I tried to find a corner shop this afternoon, but couldn't find one.
I just ended up going round in circles.

I picked up the board game Trivial Pursuit in a shop yesterday.
As I put 1000 down on the counter, the cashier looked at me and said, "Sorry sir, but this money is only for Monopoly."
"Oh right," I said, putting it back onto the shelf, "Do you have Monopoly in stock?"

As I ironed my wife's shirt, I thought..
"This would've been much easier if she wasn't wearing it."

Why does the doorbell always ring as soon as you step out of the shower?

MSN News: World's most secret societies
They're not so secretive now if you're revealing them then.

My wife: Thats a lovely cow
Me: Yeah, it's a Jersey
My wife: Really? I thought it was his skin.

What do you call people from Qatar?
Qatarpillars

I think my Grandad's getting a little senile.
Just the other day, he gazed upon the sea and remarked: "When I were a lad, all this were fields".

I taught my son everything I knew, and he was none the wiser.

It's always a bewildering moment when you're on a camping holiday, then hear the doorbell.

I was at this children's fair when I saw this dirty old man with his hand down the front of his trousers staring right at me. I was disgusted.
So I left the hall of mirrors.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday.She said she wanted something that turns heads.
Why would anyone want another neck?

Tip Of The Day: Dress up as a wizard and pretend you have magic powers by removing the chip from your oyster card and putting it into a wand!

I booked a taxi today. They know the rules you cant show your studs.

Rather than run the risk of being known as one of 'those' multi-millionaires, I bought this very generous chap's common sense for fifty million pounds.
We'll see who's laughing now.

What do you call a Calf after its six months old?
Seven months old.

I would have thought that Polish people would be a bit more shiny.

I tried to tune my guitar by ear and it was really hard.
Probably should have used my hands.

Apparently David Beckham has been given a free transfer.
He's going to put it on his arm alongside his real tattoos

My mate was saying how his car is 'quite nippy'.
But I actually thought it was rather warm.

A man phoned me earlier asking how much it'd be to rent my factory to start his cheap artificial leg business.
I said, "I charge by the square foot."
"So do I," he replied. "That's why they're cheap."

I was having a conversation with the window cleaner today when my wife said, "Its not normal to talk to a bottle of cillit bang."