The police stopped me today and accused me of stealing scrabble letters from the local library.
They found N,O,T,H,I,N,G, on me, but I still got arrested.

What do you call a Mexican guy who's lost his car?
Carlos.

My wife is leaving me because I'm too gullible...
She won't be laughing when I become a male escort.

I cooked an exotic curry recipe for dinner last night, but when I sat down to eat it I couldn't find it.
It was a Korma Chameleon.

My friends often call me gullible.
So imagine my relief when my feng shui master told me he could cure me for only one thousand pounds.

Sometimes I wonder.
"Why is that frisbee getting bigger?"
Then it hits me.

I tried to tune my guitar by ear and it was really hard.
Probably should have used my hands.

Apparently David Beckham has been given a free transfer.
He's going to put it on his arm alongside his real tattoos

My mate was saying how his car is 'quite nippy'.
But I actually thought it was rather warm.

A man phoned me earlier asking how much it'd be to rent my factory to start his cheap artificial leg business.
I said, "I charge by the square foot."
"So do I," he replied. "That's why they're cheap."

I was having a conversation with the window cleaner today when my wife said, "Its not normal to talk to a bottle of cillit bang."

I got on the bus with a little old lady this morning.
She was all bent over and could hardly move.
The bus driver looked at the little old lady, then he looked at me and asked, "Can she breathe alright in that holdall mate?"

I dropped my son at football training last night.
My wife went mental.
She looked at the lump on his head and said, "He's 6 weeks old, you should've left him at home."

I walked past the local newsagents last night and it was closed.
Yet again there was a sign in the window saying, 'Looking For Staff'
I thought to myself, "It's been 3 weeks now, give up and buy a new dog."

I'm now getting branded a pervert in my area.
Just because I lost my new puppy in the park.

I sent my wife a dirty text. "I can't wait to get home and lick your sopping wet axe wound! X"
I could tell she wasn't in the mood as soon as her reply arrived.
"For Christ sake. You're meant to be calling me an ambulance!".

Well I've just lost my job on the building site.
Turns out bricklaying isn't what I thought it was.

A guy in the army sends his wife back home a grenade with a note attached to it.
"My love, if you miss me so much, pull this pin and I can come home for one week."

"Waiter! This sparkling wine doesn't sparkle!"
"That's fine. The dog biscuits you're eating don't bark either."

I started a new job today. The boss called me into the office and said "I'd like you to think of us as one big happy family here." I replied "Of course I do, it's the family business dad."

As a tramp, I was always being moved on by the plod when sleeping in shop doorways, They don't move me anymore now though , I tell them I'm queuing early for sales.

I'm a year 4 science teacher and this morning I asked my pupils how to distinguish the difference between a diode and an anode, and the process in which they were used.
Then I realised it was pointless asking them; eyes can't talk.

They always said I was crazy, but one day I'll prove my cats wrong.

Since I lost my job, the wife's been on at me every day ..'You just sit there all day doing your boring stuff and all the time the garden just gets worse and worse'...
Boy is she going to change her tune when we strike oil.

Describe yourself using only 3 words.
Smart, Clever, Genius, Intelligent