During my pathologists exam I made a right mess of my human dissection, it was autopsy turvy

I saw Timmy Mallet on the beach looking really upset.
I said, "What's up mate?"
He said, "Can you help me find my girlfriend?".
In hindsight, I wish I hadn't asked what she was wearing.

Last night my wife said,''Do you know what the biggest difference between you and me is?''
So I said,''Clearly the spelling.''

Have you ever punched a nun in the gut and found yourself thinking:
"Maybe I over-reacted..."

I always support locally grown produce.
That's why I drink my Gin and Tonic with a slice of onion in it.

I'm not getting involved in the street party for the royal wedding after the fiasco of our party celebrating the Queen's golden jubilee year.
After the 364th day, even I was getting fed up with all the noise and drinking.

Albert Einstein once said, "The important thing is not to stop questioning".
I wonder what he mean by that?

Yahoo News: Eva Green prefers intense roles.
I recommend the chicken cajun baguette at Upper Crust.

I just had to fish three drowned rabbits out of the washing machine. My wife really should check the pockets of my magician's outfit before she puts it in.

As the policeman brought me into the room to identify the notoriously violent and vindictive thug I had seen half killing a dozen men, I couldn't help thinking....
Shouldn't I be on the other side of this two-way mirror?

I like cooking babies and lots of other stuff but I hate punctuation

I am blonde, and I am sick of brunettes making blonde jokes.
I have a really good joke about two brunettes walking into a bar.
But can someone please help? There are loads of boxes but I can't find the box to put the punch-line in.

I put an ad in the local paper for my golf clubs.
It said, 'Happy Birthday Golf Clubs! Love Dave x'.

I was really enjoying my busman's holiday in Edinburgh today, beautiful scenery and a lovely day. Well at least I was ...
Until those 3 old dears screamed to go back to my bus route in Grimsby.

I looked down at my son and said, "I'm watching you like a hawk!"
He said, "Dad! How did you learn to soar around in circles like that?"

Worlds oldest contraceptive is useless.
Being ginger is no guarantee.

Last night I broke the record as the roughest DJ.

My friends keep telling me that I'm stupid for giving out my email address on loads of websites.
Joke's on them though, because a Nigerian prince is about to transfer $86,000,000 into my bank account!

This morning my wife said, "I wanna fry up in bed."
So before I left for work I tied her to the mattress and put the heating on full blast.

My mate said to me, "I want to tell my new girlfriend that her feet stink, but I don't know what to say."
I said, "I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

I met a girl in a club last night and I said, "Can I buy you a bag of Mini Cheddars?"
She replied, "Don't you mean a drink?"
I said , "No, I'm not into cheesy chat up lines."

I thought I'd try some French dressing at lunchtime today.
I don't think a striped jumper and beret looked that good on me.

Our baby son is due at the end of the month.
We're going to call him Bill.

I've been accused of grooming online which is nonsense.
Everyone knows dogs can't use computers.

"I'm sorry," said the gynaecologist, after completing his examination, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very delicate operation."
"Well," said the young lady, "couldn't you just change the batteries?"