I was in the hospital waiting area talking to my mate when a security guard approached me.
He said, "You can't use your phone in here."
I said, "Yes I can mate, I've got full bars."

A psychiatrist asked his patient "What is 7 x 5".
His patient answers "10,000". "Interesting", thought the shrink.
He asked his next patient the same question. "The answer is Sunday".
"Interesting", thought the shrink. He asked his next and final patient the same question.
"The answer is 35". "Perfect! How did you work that out!?" Asked the shrink.
"Easy", said the patient, "I Divided 10,000 by Sunday and got the answer 35".

My dog looks silly when he runs around chasing his tail.
I think throwing him a stick, would be more normal.

So Libyan authorities have announced an investigation into Gaddafi's death.
Results have returned to show that Gaddafi is, indeed, dead.

I felt quite abandoned when my father never visited me in prison.
He kept using the same old excuse, "I can't visit you today son, I'm in prison."

I was just about to blow up some balloons for my son's birthday party when my wife walked in and confiscated the dynamite.

My mate just invented a machine that renders coherent speech impossible within 30 yards.
Can't argue with that.

Lana Del Ray sings 'Videogame'.
Videogame experts are excited by this song because they finally get to hear what a woman's voice sounds like.

Some guy on the High Street asked me if I wanted to sponsor an endangered tiger yesterday.
"Sounds interesting," I said, "what will it be doing to earn my money? Running a marathon, bungee jumping?"

As I stood there cheering on my horse after jumping 15 fences, he got to the final fence and fell.
I was absolutely gutted, I honestly couldn't believe it.
Now I've got to pay for the damage, my neighbour is estimating it to be around 600 for the fence and a further 20 for the washing line."

"Excuse me, any ideas as to what I do with this helmet?"
"Sorry I don't, the entire concept goes over my head."

I can't stand the music of Midge Ure and Ultravox, it means nothing to me .

I brought some new towels and the lady in the shop told me to wash my brand new towels in a cup of salt and cold water.
As hard as I try the bath towel just wont fit in the cup. Stupid shop woman.

I just gave my neighbour a piggyback.
Although I'm not even sure why I stole it from him in the first place.

Forret Gump runs into Jack Sparrow in the shop.
Forrest Gump says, 'What is that you're holding?'
Sparrow replies, 'Rum, Forrest, rum!'

'What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger'
Using that logic I should be the worlds strongest man on account of every single thing in the world not killing me.

I asked this girl if she fancied going round the back of the bike sheds after school.
"Yeah, sure!" she said, going red. "Should be fun" as she headed off towards them.
"No it won't" I thought, as I went home to play on my xbox.

I'm really close to my gran.
I'm stood right next to her.

If there's any three things in life guaranteed, they're death, taxes and my wife, twenty minutes into Rambo, asking "So when does he take up boxing?"

I've developed a new breed of cow that is only divisible by itself and one.
I'm going to sell it as prime cuts of beef.

A Trojan horse has ruined my laptop...
It trotted over it while I was on holiday in Turkey.

I always carry a torch with me just in case I'm ever abducted and put into
someone's car boot.
So I can play shadow puppets to keep myself entertained.

I went for an audition for a part in a TV show yesterday.
Reading between the lines, probably cost me the role.

My new wife just said that I'm making my Step-Son feel like he's invisible.
I said, "I didn't know you had any kids."

It's hard to come across a slim girl.
There's not much to come over.