Why has Ed Miliband got three black people sitting next to him on the front benches?
He needs a Shadow Cabinet.

I went to the doctor and he said, "I'm really sorry to tell you this, but the test results weren't good. You only have 6 months to live."
I replied, "I don't believe it, I want a second opinion."
"Ok, you're not dying."

"Why don't you take that apple to work?" asked my wife.
"I didn't even know it had a job" I replied.

I handed in my resignation today, and I can't tell you how difficult it was.
I've never had a job.

My wife wants to leave me for being too forgetful.
Next time she'll probably say I'm forgetful.

People have kept pointing out that I should wear my Poppy with pride this week, so I've got round to it eventually ...
I know it's a bit of a girlie name for a dog and she didn't half wince when I stuck in the safety pin.

As I stood outside the newsagents this morning a couple of kids walked past.
"Excuse me boys" I said, "If I give you the money could you go into this shop and buy me a newspaper please?"
"Why can't you?" they asked.
"I'm not allowed" I said, pointing to the sign on the door that said, 'Only two school children are allowed in'

Some people say I'm disorganised. I'm too busy christmas shopping to pay any attention

My son has fists of steel and he's subject to intense testing for the rest of his life.

I tried out a bit of selective breeding once, crossed this flaming bright ginger guy with an ugly old cow.
Now my beef roasts itself.

I have an invention that allows me to walk through Walls.
It's called a door.

I was having a game of poker with the lads from the garage and ended up with four jacks.
"Sorry," I said to them, "but you can have them back when you come up with the money."

Paddy was with his solicitors and about to sign a multi-trillion pound deal.
"You know fellas," he said, "I'm self taught, never learnt to read or write and yet made me millions on me own. Now where do yas need me mark?"
"But Paddy," replied the clerk, "why have you put two crosses on the contract?"
"That's easy. One's me signature and the other one represents me PHD."

What happens if you hook up two 9V batteries to a raisin?
You get an electric current.

I was sitting in the pub with my mate when my wife text me:'If you're not home in 10 minutes, your dinner will be in the dog'
My mate laughed and said, "What is it?"
I said, "An Alsatian."

I sent a message to bet365 today.
It read, "So what do I do on leap years?"
I'm still awaiting a reply.

I've finally decided to stop obsessing over my lunatic ex.
I'm over the moon!

This year some people really went all out for Halloween. The guy driving behind me last night even got sirens and flashing lights to go with his police costume.

My wife went on one of those new water diets.
Poor thing didn't lose any weight, she gained twenty gallons.

If I had a cookie for every time I forgot the beginning of a sentence, I would have a million Pounds!!!

As a kid all I ever wanted to do was run away to the Circus.
Now I'm here, I can't really see the attraction of Picadilly.

My Grandad always used to say, 'When you're in a hole, stop digging.'
That's probably why he got shot trying to escape from Auschwitz.

My wife said, "Do you know that the guy next door kisses his wife four times a day, gives here roses every evening...why don't you be like that too?"
I said, "Well, I can try as long as he allows me to kiss her."

As I sat there this morning with my head in my hands, I thought to myself, "Why does everybody call me Worzel Gummidge?"

I was in prison the other day, and there was a rather fit blonde bird in the opposite cell.
She smiled and winked at me and said 'What's your number babe?'
I looked down at my shirt.
'436,' I said.