I spent most of my youth kissing frogs at the pond. Imagine my dismay when one turned into a princess and ruined the fun.

I just saw a sign outside the cinema in our local arts centre: "Out of Africa".
I didn't even know they sold deodorant.

I'm planning on having a sea burial with no family present when I die, just so everyone knows that I'm dead.

My mum has just left for work and I'm home alone to deal with the trick-or-treaters.
What a night I've got planned.
I'm turning the lights off, getting stoned and eating all the sweets myself.

Any hole's a goal.
You still don't want to score an own goal though.

After thinking about it all day, the wife finally decided to give me a christmasy nag and moan.
It was a mulled whine.

My ladder isn't speaking to me. I was carrying it in the garden when I lost my balance.
It hit the roof.

So now they've got Lynx for women!
But how often have women said, "Mmmm, is that Lynx you're wearing?".

Tell you what, Simon Weston looks a lot better without his moustache..but why is he in court and everyone calling him Harry Redknapp?

For lent I'm giving up abstaining and lending in the past tense.

My friend thinks he has the power to kill people with his watch...
What a Seiko!

"Is it safe to cross now, Daddy?" my son asked.
"Well," I replied. "So long as you've checked both sides, then yes."
And that is how my son drowned in the Thames.

I saw two blokes about to play pool in the pub last night.
I walked over to one of them and said, "Play the winner?"
He said, "Yeah, okay."
"Great" I said taking his cue, "I'llbreak."

I knew my wife was going to have a go at me over my super hero obsession.
I could feel my spidey senses tingling.

I tried to spin a bloke round by his false leg the other day for a bet.
I think I pulled it off.

An obsessive compulsive walks into a bar....
13 times, right foot first.

My mate has recently bought an house that's shaped like a globe.
He lives in a world of his own.

I was walking up to the checkin desk at the airport when I noticed there was a bit of mistletoe hanging above the desk. I looked at the checkout girl and thought that's a bit of ok.
As I approached the desk I said "I see you've got a bit of mistletoe hanging there"
she just rolled her eyes and said " Sir, clearly you've never flown with Ryanair before or you would know it's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye"

Big Foot does exist and I can prove it.
I got him to take a photo of me, the wife and kids when we took a walk in the forest earlier.

What do Vampires have for a quick snack.
Clot Noodle.

My mate just told me that Rodney is dead.
RIP Nicholas Lyndhurst.

I'm going to Aldi this weekend.......
To film a low budget version of The Day
Of The Dead.

My mate told me he had the worlds largest lego collection.
I told him to stop making things up.

I was standing in a nightclub with my mate last night when he said to me, "You've pulled three women and I've pulled none. Can you give me any advice?"
"You just need to be yourself," I replied.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
I said, "Lose the batman costume."

I saw a woman walking in the torrential rain last night, so I stopped beside her and said, "Would you like to jump in?"
"No thanks" she replied.
"Are you sure?" I asked, "It's been raining for the last 4 hours and it's going to get worse."
"I'm fine" she replied.
"Suit yourself" I said, as I floated down the hill in my rubber dinghy.