I did a fart on the train today.
That'll teach my son for not letting me play with his railway set.

Don't you just hate it when people look over your shoulder when you pee? I don't know what's so interesting about my backpack anyway.

My wife left me this afternoon. She phoned and said something that made me think she's not coming back.
She said "I'm not coming back".

Sorcery - Like a saucer.
Sorcerer - More like a saucer.

My old primary school music teacher was involved in a bad accident, so I went to see her in hospital.
"She's in a coma" said the doctor, "But she's getting better".
"How do you know?" I asked.
"One finger, one thumb keep moving. One finger, one thumb keep moving...."

My ultra conservative local priest said he would ban me from the church if I don't try to reconcile with my ex-wife
either way I'm facing excommunication

I was thinking of getting a statue made of myself but I'm worried it could look a bit big headed.

My girlfriend left me because I speak incoherent gibberish.
But as I always say; has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

My maths teacher said 'draw a square,' and I drew a circle.
he said 'you idiot, that's a circle go, stand in the corner'
I said 'where's that?'

So Heather Nova has written a song remembering the asian tsunami victims bless her.
Think maybe callin it "higher ground" is a bit much though!

I was drowning my sorrows in the pub & the barman asked why I was so upset.
"Just come back from a mates funeral. Great lad, knew him since nursery. He was such a special person, at primary school he was described, the boy most likely to succeed. Through high school & college, they described him as the student most likely to succeed. Then at our degree presentation last year, they chose him as the graduate most likely to succeed. A real shame he's gone" I commented sadly.
"Ah, I feel your pain mate, he sounded like a great guy. Do you mind me asking how he died?" asked the barman.
"Tragic. He overdosed on seeds." I replied.

My American friend asked me if I understood what 'math' is.
I said, "Yes, It's a spelling error."

"2" I said.
"4" replied the wife.
"6 and 8" I said.
"10, 12 and 14" she replied.
Our weekly 'shout out random numbers game' was quite an even contest this week.

"WORKFORCE IN ROAD - SLOW"
Now I know it's not rocket science but there's no need to insult them.

If I learned one thing from watching TV, it's that radioactivity enables Turtles to speak perfect English.

The advertising on this site: "You are the 999,999th visitor: Congratulations you WON!"
Is it me, or is it really ironic that people who are actually stupid enough to believe this are the sort of people we are on here to make jokes about?

What's yellow and grows on an apple tree?
A silly banana.

I'm very happy,. I just been to the hospital for a brain scan but nothing showed up

They say 1 in 5 people are Schizophrenic.
I'm still in two minds about who it could be.

What's the quickest way to stop a baby on a swing?
With a shovel.

I picked up a girl in the pub last night..
She had no legs

I was looking through the dictionary today when I came to the word 'deja vu'
I thought, "I'm sure I've seen that somewhere before."

My wife is always complaining about me missing the toilet.
She'll say stuff like, "Think about the rest of us!" and "Why have you got a picture of it in your wallet?"

I had to laugh the other day. A man came round to read the electric meter. I didn't get the bill until six days later. By that time I had used 19.763 kWh. Six days of free electric can't be bad.

Before entering a restaurant, I seen a sign at the door saying, "Sports jackets may be worn here, but not trousers".
I thought it was a bit weird, but went ahead and took them off anyway.