I noticed you can buy book lights now. They are little spotlights that you attach to your book.
I was actually going to get one, then I remembered that I have a lamp.

I got a chicken today and have a nice recipe for it using plum tomatoes.
Unfortunately it couldn't get its claws round the tin opener.

New Wiliksons Sword hydro razor with water activated gel molecules.
Maybe, just maybe, the water you feel from the 'water activated gel molecules' is the very same water needed to activate them.

My neighbour was painting images of the sun all over his fences today. . .
Solar panels as he calls 'em.

I was sat for hours, rubbing two small sticks together in an attempt to make a fire.
Thinking back, It probably would have been easier and quicker to just strike the matches.

I once cornered the market in soggy cardboard boxes.
It was all going great until the bottom fell out of it.

How many blonde jokes are there?
One, the rest are true stories

A man walks into a library
He suffers minor cuts and bruises

Did you hear about the miner who found a gold vein?
he had an oregasm.

I followed a recipe book last night, because I decided to cook something exotic for supper,
It was a total disaster,
I lost track of it three streets away.

It was tough seeing my wife struggling with the dishes. So I killed her.

My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop treating her like a child.
She's so grounded.

A recycling shop in our area will buy your old clothing for 50p per Kg
The wife's Louis Vuitton handbag collection should get me at least 2.50

I said to my new girlfriend, "I've got something to confess, I was in prison for murdering my ex wife with a 4 iron."
She looked at me in complete shock.
I said, "I know what you're thinking......Why the 4 iron?........"

I should have known the car following me as I sped down the motorway was going to stop me.
It had 'Police' written all over it.

My wife suggested that we knock our bedroom wall down into the bedroom next door and use the whole thing as a master bedroom.
She is currently away visiting her mum so without her knowing I've spent the last 5 days knocking the wall down and decorating it to her taste.
Our new bedroom looks amazing and I think she's going to be really surprised that I've done it.
But probably not as surprised as my next door neighbour will be when he gets back from Spain next week.

I was watching a programme about bungee jumping into crocodiles when the host said, "Don't attempt this at home".
Which was annoying as I'd just tied the cord from the roof and got the paddling pool ready.

I watched my mate drink a litre of petrol today.
I said, "I bet that makes you feel weird?"
He replied, "Don't get me started."

My wife says I'm too picky, she's always calling me "President of the Pedantic Society"
I hate it, she knows full well that I'm vice president.

Last night I saw this video online of twin girls who were having simultaneous lung palpatations
2 girls 1 hiccup

My wife said she was worried about our teenage son's obsession with always wearing baby clothes.
I said, "Don't worry, he'll grow out of it."

Me and my business partner come up with some brilliant ideas.
Like rubber sumo costumes for example.
We just bounce off each other.

Did you know that if you get everyone who works at McDonalds to hold hands, you have to get your own burgers?

3 drunk guys boarded a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he decided to take advantage of them. He started the engine and turned it off again.
He told them, "We've reached our destination."
The first guy paid him the cab fare, and the second guy said, "Thank you."
The third guy gave the driver a slap. The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk guy knew what he did. But he asked. "What was that for?"
The third guy replied. "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!"

I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything... but if I make it to 2013, I will have survived my 5th "end of the world" so far!