I went to my local Market this morning and saw a stall with a sign saying 'We Can Unblock Mobile Phones For Just 5.'
So I walked up to the bloke and said, "Can you unblock my phone?"
He said, "It depends, what is it?"
I said, "I'm not sure, I think it's a mixture of ear wax & crisp crumbs."

I was chatting with this extremely hot blonde girl in a bar, when out of nowhere she asked if I had a mobile phone.
"Of course" I replied.
"In which case, can I have your number?" she winked.
"Sure" I said, "But you'll only get annoying calls from my Mum"

I sold my gullible mate a cordless screwdriver, or screwdriver as it's more commonly known.

My daughter is obsessed with Walt Disney movies so I bought her 101 Dalmations.
Now I just need to find somewhere to keep them all.

I got talking to this blonde earlier, I said:
"Do you fancy going out with me?"
"Sure" she said, "when?"
"I don't know, Tuesday?" I said.
"No, you choose" she said, "it was your idea."

I worried so much that my hair would fall out due to stress, it did.

I was in a restaurant last night when I found a German bloke in my starter.
I shouted, "Waiter, there's a Herr in my soup."

If you knock someone out in the Grammy Award Ceremony,
will the person see stars?

I went to a restaurant last night.
15 eat whatever you want.
I ate 4 chair covers, 3 tropical fish and a placemat.

Poverty...
When the Pound coins down inside the sofa are worth more than the sofa..

I went for a job interview for MI5,
"So what experience have you got sir?" The agent asked me,
"Well, erm, I completed Call of Duty in six hours..." I replied,
"Right ok sir, let me put you in a scenario, you're a double agent about to be shot by a terrorist. What would you do?" He said,
"I'd press L2 to aim and R2 to fire..."

I was on a plane the other day when a bloke tapped me on the shoulder.
"Mind if we swap seats?"
I said "Sorry mate, pilots only".

My wife was a bit worried about me taking my 4 year old son Jack to the pub today.
After only half an hour of being there she sent me a text saying, 'All ok?'
I replied, 'Yes, fine. Made a new friend already and playing on the table with wrestling figures. Jack is at the bar with a bottle of bud.'

You know you're a 16 year old boy when your mother asks you for a tissue and you hand her a sock.

A girl who worked in my restaurant cut her finger off today.
"Quick!" she shouted, "get me some frozen peas from the freezer"
"We've only got frozen carrots" I replied, "I'll just run to the shop and get some."

I'm visiting friends in Northamptonshire at the weekend. Looking for things to do I thought I'd check out the website for Towcester.
It's terrible - full of pop-ups.

I can never understand women these days.
Probably should have learnt to speak Chinese before moving to China.

I always leave the lights on so people think I'm in.
It drains the car battery though.

My friend said to me, "I can't believe you've lived in the same house all your life."
I replied, "I haven't. I'm not dead yet."

I'm getting sick to death of my shoulder keep popping out.
It has a better social life than me.

YOLO.
Carpe Diem for stupid people.

My friend and I went on the rampage in Poundworld today.
We caused damage estimated at around 95.

My missus waxed her legs yesterday.
I must admit they look great now - it took me ages to sand them down.

I called Domino's to complain about my pizza and said "Mate, there's no toppings, no sauce, and no cheese"
"What was supposed to be on it?" He asked
"Pepperoni and onion"
"Ok, I'll need to find out who took the order, stay on the phone for a few minutes" He said
"Sorry about that, you'll need to bring it in so we can see it" He told me
"It's ok mate, my stupid wife opened the box the wrong way up"

The wife and I were in Homebase.
"I'm sure I've forgotten something", she said as she stood in the aisle checking her shopping list.
"Toilet duck", I said
"Don't be stupid", she replied, "We've got some at home and they don't sell it in Homebase".
Then I threw a toilet at her.