Went round Alanis Morrisette's house for dinner last night
Took 10,000 knives with me, just in case...

Me and my wife are just going through a divorce.
She has asked for half ofeverything that we had together.
I'm just dropping our sons legs around to her now.

My father always wanted me to be a Lieutenant when I got older.
That's why he named me Lieutenant when I was born.

Don't fancy the new gastro pub that's just opened near us.
Think the name, "Entiritis" is putting me off.

Did you know that when you stick your left index finger in your right nostril, it's impossible to say "gullible"?

The local newspaper wanted to do a report on me after it discovered that I had made furniture out of comedy double act memorabilia.
After showing them my Abbott armchair with a Costello table and the Morcambe couch beside the Wise bookcase they asked what I had planned for the future.
"Well," I told them, "I'm happy with what I've achieved, so for now I'm going to rest on my Laurels."

I was interviewed for a job today in front of 5 directors.
"Why should we take you on and not somebody else?" they asked.
I said, "Well first of all, I'll punch you all....."
"Stop" one of them shouted. "I think you was meant to say 'I'm punctual'"
"Nope" I said. "Can I finish please?"

My wife just told me she's leaving me because I still haven't grasped the concept of innuendos.
'I have an erection' I replied smugly.

A salesman told me today that the product I was going to buy would pay for itself in six months, so I'm going to hold off until then.
I'm not stupid.

I'm getting trading standards in to get that pub sign taken down .. 'All day breakfasts served here'
The landlady refused to make us one when we knocked them up at three this morning.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My pen's running out,
But I still lov

I always get criticised for using expressions which are completely out of context.
But then again, Rome wasn't built in a day.

My doctor said to me, "You have to stop smoking".
I said, "Why?"
He said, "Because it's illegal and you're stinking my surgery out".

I can't remember the name of those cheesey crisps in a blue bag..... Wotsit called?

I've just bought myself a meal for tonight from Tesco.
It says on the box, 'Must be eaten before Feb 2011'
How slow do they think I eat?

I just spent two hours planning a day of spontaneity.

Every Ash Wednesday, I like to imagine that as the priest smears ash on the congregation's foreheads he whispers "Simba..."

I saw a vigilante tramp catch some criminals the other day.
I think his name is Hobo cop.

BBC News: Anorexia 'link to spring birth'.
Hard to believe that not eating can so change a woman's insides that she gives birth to a Slinky.

My wife thinks my methods for punishing the children are " cruel and archaic".
She need's to be careful, or she'll be next on the Ducking Stool.

I drove up to the counter in McDonald's and said, "Can I have a large Quarter Pounder meal please?"
The man said, "Sir, you are meant to use the Drive Thru, and you will have to pay for the damage you caused."

My Mom went and told me to follow my dreams, So I went and followed Megan Fox on Twitter.

There are two blonde terrorists sitting in a car.
"There is a bomb in the glove compartment"- says one blonde.
"What If it goes off?"- says the other
"Don't worry"- says the first "There's another one on the back"

I'd hate to be in my father's shoes right now. He's already wearing them, so it'd be uncomfortable.

Since getting fired recently, I've been hired to locate and hunt down the head of Apple.
So far, I've been unsuccessful.
Still, as long as they pay me my Jobs seeker allowance I'll keep looking.