"Why do you always look at me like I'm something the cat dragged in?"
Asked the severely dishevelled mouse.

I think I must have a brilliant memory.
I don't think I've ever forgotten anything.
Well, if I have, I don't remember.

I wonder if my mum is looking down at me now thinking, "Why the big hole in the ceiling?"

My wife was out again today showing off her VW.
I've told her not to pull her leggings up to tight.

I love giving directions.
It's right up my street

What did the Scottish cannibal have for breakfast?
Weetoes.

My mate asked me to look after his pet piranhas whilst he went on holiday for 3 weeks.
He left me a voicemail yesterday asking me how they were but I had completely forgot to feed them.
Luckily I went over his house and they were still swimming around happily.
So I phoned him back and said, "They are both fine mate."
He said, "Both? What about the other 14?"

A man stopped me in the street abd said, "Do you want to take part in an anonymous questionairre?"
I said, "Who's asking?"

I got in in trouble with my boss at DFS today.
Some weird looking bloke sat down on one of our sofas and I tipped it upside down knocking him to the floor.
My manager immediately came over and said, "You must never take strangers off suites."

I'm that hungry, I could eat a human.
Said the starving horse.

My mate asked me to name one of the Kaiser Chiefs
"Wilhelm II" i replied.

I can make a room smell nice with either hand.
I'm Ambi-Pur-Dextrous.

I've just seen a fat bird smoking outside the pub.
I walked over and said, "Do you mind if I pinch your snout?"
She held out her cigarette and said, "Go for it."
So I squeezed her nose and said, "Thanks."

I threw an over sized pack of playing cards at my friend today.
I nearly decked him.

Just been out with my metal detector. I found bracelets, gold rings and necklaces. I could've stayed all night...
The graveyard caretaker called the police though.

The wife just asked, "What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?"
I said, "Its accent."

I was arrested at lunchtime for hitting an old woman. It's not my fault. Someone at work told me it was pensioner punch, first day of the month.

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm an 'absolute weirdo.'
I was so shocked I almost dropped the dead penguin I've been carrying around for the last two months.

I smoke so much I've started to use Oust as a deodorant.

I joined a club for loners.
I made a friend so we both got kicked out.

Man goes to see the doctor.
The doctor says "you'll live to be seventy"
The patient said "I am seventy "
The doctor said "what did I tell you!"

My daughter was struggling with her homework and asked for help.
"Dad, I need to give two examples of conductors."
I shook my head in disbelief, "Easy," I replied, "Bus and train."

My grandad failed to succeed in his life long ambition yesterday.
He died.

I was watching The Wire on my tv today.
It was decent until it ended at the plug.

I'm currently serving fifteen years for attempted armed robbery with a water pistol.
"Everybody down or I'll squirt," Didn't have the desired affect.