If everyday is a gift, then today was socks.

My dad died and left me his entire estate...
I don't know what I'm going to do with all the houses

Yahoo News Vietnam: "9 friends die at New Year party"
We all know they're behind the times, but reporting New Year stuff in February is hardly finger-on-the-pulse journalism.

Apparently there are people who regard the saying "There are no stupid questions" as a challenge.

There's nothing worse than screaming kids on a packed bus.
Everybody looks at you thinking, "Why is he screaming that?"

I got inked today and it really hurt me.
That's the last time I mess with an angry octopus.

"Can I have a doggy bag, please?"
"You know, that's the first time anyone has asked me that in all my years of neutering pets."

Have you ever noticed when you stare into the clear blue sky long enough,it eventually turns black?

Apparently, smoking cigarettes is really bad for you, so I only eat twenty a day now.

My mate spends all his time in the garden and really has green fingers!
He's a frog.

I like strangling myself with vegetables whilst looking at paintings
I call it the artichoke

My dwarf friend said for Christmas he wouldn't mind something to hang his coats on.
So I've bought him a wooden mug tree.

Patrice Evra will not be handing out Christmas Cards this year.
People who know him will either be receiving the race card, or have an imaginary one waved in their direction.

The Queen's speech wasn't too bad.
I prefer the sequel with Colin Firth though.

Every Christmas my wife decorates the house, and on the first of January I take it all down.
You should see her face when she finds all the wall paper on the floor.

I texted 7 of my friends saying "Call my phone.. I lost it.". All 7 of them called.. moral of the story is, I need smarter friends.

I was walking down the street the other day and a guy across the road stared and shouted, "Oi...bender."
"How dare you call my poodle that!" I replied,

I was looking for a house the other day. I found a street full of them.

I literally have the worst memory in that blue and green ball thing that we live on.

I was sunbathing the other day with my kids. Then my son poured something down my back.
"This will make you brown" He said
I said to him "What is it?"
He said "Gravy!"

My wife's stood by me since the day we were married.
Then again, we do only have one chair.

Who's this band, "Missing Dog"? I keep seeing their posters out in the street...

"Eye spy with my little eye something beginning with.........N".
"No girlfriends?"
"Correct. Why can't I just have two normal size eyes".

I was having an argument with my wife and in pure anger I threw one of her most expensive belongings, a vase, onto the ground.
She said, "Two can play at that game, you know."
So I handed her another vase.

My kitchen caught on fire yesterday , and the house was absolutely gutted.
To be fair , I wasn't exactly delighted myself.