I've spent most of the day trapped between two slices of bread.
That's the last time I tell a feminist to make me a sandwich.

When I was traveling in Texas, I met a real cowboy.
"Hi." I said, "I'm from England. I've never met a cowboy before."
"Moo." he replied.

I recently had to do some community service for vandilism, I had a choice between working at the pub I vandalised or going to prison.
Obviously I chose prison, it was either that or 48 hours behind bars.

I'm scared of heights.
Which is why I never measure myself.

I've started to use a pint of milk as an alarm clock.
I always wake up when it goes off.

I was watching tv and a advert came on "have you had and accident in the past 9 months that wasn't your fault?... call national accident helpline...."
I sat and thought about it for a minute and decided to give them a call
apparently the condom splitting is'nt enough to claim compensation........

After an argument, the wife always applies some war paint and a headdress.
It's just her way of putting on a Brave face.

I sat on the highest peak on Dartmoor today and smoked a big spliff.
I've always wanted to join the mile high club.

Poured broth all over my car yesterday.
Souped it up.

You know who hates it when people answer their own questions?..
Me.

What do you call a blonde after she has dyed her hair brunette?
Artificial Intelligence.

BBC News: Good spelling and grammar becoming a dead language
Rest In Piece.

I was really bored today so I thought I'd rearrange my bedroom.
Got 'moody berm'And 'mr boomedy' so far.

Son: ''Dad,why did you give me a funny name?''
Dad: ''Not sure what you're talking about Lol.''

I get a lot of stick for collecting bits of tree.

A great simile is like a magnificent racing horse: this isn't one.

I don't care what anyone says, but maybe that's because I'm deaf.

Simons Trumpet business has become bankrupt
He knew that he had blown it.

I got my exam results today and it said I had failed every single one of them. This lad with all A* was leaning of my shoulder looking at my results when he said, "Don't worry mate, you will get a top of the range council flat with them." To which I replied..
"It will be your hard earned money paying for my benifits which will be going towards a bag of weed so I don't know why you're so pleased."

I just found my old ID...
Apparently, I'm 72 next week...

I just couldn't understand why my farmhouse kept getting burgled.
Then I realised was leaving the cow flap open.

I hate watching a TV series and reaching the last aired episode, so I always wait for it to end before I buy the box set and watch the whole thing.
I'm so excited for Coronation Street.

I like a woman with a bit of meat on her.
This is also why I keep getting thrown out of the local butchers.

I got an email today that said, "Have you had an accident at work?".
News travels fast when you've had a dodgy curry.

My wife is always nagging me to take the bins out.
But somehow I'm the weird one when I try and get them on the bus.