The CEO of the company I work for called me into his office this morning and told me that I have to stop delegating all the time.
I sat there nodding in agreement and swore that I'd never do it again but to be perfectly honest, I didn't really understand what he was talking about.
It's alright though, I've told the office junior to write a report on what delegation means and have it on my desk by tomorrow morning.

An English man, an Irish man and Scots man walk into a pub.
The Sun's stories have become really dull now they can't hack voicemails.

If you plug your headphones into the "AUX IN" port of your stereo, people can hear what you think.

"Sorry Babe. I can't get the day off work for your Mum's funeral" I said. "The boss isn't interested in sob stories"
"But you run your own company!" she replied.
"I know. Sometimes I refer to myself in the third person"

I met my mate in the pub last night for some serious drinking..
We sat there in our suits and frowned the whole time.

I don't understand the need for 'hot water heaters'...
Surely if the water is already hot, it doesn't need to be heated.

Tip:
Elderly ladies; Ensure maximum delay for motorists by in the high street by conducting conversations beside zebra crossings.

My Dad used to tell me 'Quitters never win'
Thanks to him I now have a restraining order.

When I was a kid my dad wouldn't let me wear trainers.
He took his job of being a bouncer far to serious.

I had my Xmas party at work last night.
I thought the boss would have at least taken us somewhere different.

I'll never forget the day my dad told me Santa wasn't real.
Why he had to tell me on my 21st beats me.

I was trying to get in touch with the environment earlier so I went up to a tree and asked it how it was.
It turns out it was oaky.

Two DJs are talking in the pub. "Wanna go see a movie tonight?" asks one. "Dunno" replies the other, "who's the projectionist?".

Only in England do they exclude you for skipping school, and in doing so, send you home.

I was telling my mate in the pub last night that my wife thinks she has a stalker.
He said "Well I've been following her weeks and haven't seen anyone"

What is a part of my body that goes up when something is good and down when something is bad?
...My thumb you sick perverts

Just walked past a French flag flying proudly high.
Since when did it have red and blue stripes on it?

I went shoplifting with my brother-in-law the other day. I took some gift tags and he took the wrap

Not only am I never buying the Kerrang again but I'm never going into that shop either as the staff were laughing at me.
I bet one of them kept the air guitar I was supposed to get free with the magazine.

Opinions are like nipples. Everybody has one.
Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not.

I was flicking through the newspaper this morning when I suddenly thought to myself, "Wow, my fingers are really strong".

Daily Mirror: "Being fat nearly killed me - now I'm starving to death"
Solution: Eat something.

I feel sorry for the News of the World.
If they hadn't closed down, they'd be making a mint from this phone-tapping story.

I was out for a walk today and, coming round a corner, came across this really weird scene.
Coming one way across the crossroads was a bus... but stationary, like it was frozen in time. Same with a car travelling the other way. Frozen in time.
Then, between the two was this woman pushing a pram, obviously in the way, but frozen in time.
I remember thinking to myself, "That's an accident waiting to happen."

We got our dog from the local rescue centre. He's well behaved, but whenever my wife lights a candle, he always puts it out.
I think he must have trained as a snuffer dog.