I was chatting to this fit girl at work telling her about my fishing weekend.
She said "Ooh sounds fun, how about I come round your place after work? You can get your rod out and show me your tackle" with a wink.
I'm starting to panic, she'll be round in 10 minutes and I can't find my fishing rod anywhere!!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because my wife cooked me dinner and I was 3 hours late back from the pub.

I went to see the doctor and he said, "Your drinking and smoking is going to cause you to have a slow death."
I replied, "Good, I'm in no hurry."

I got a watch for my birthday that's engraved. It says, "You truly are the greatest person in the world. Happy birthday."
I got myself a card too, but I don't know where I put it.

I went to the clock shop today and said, "This clock you sold me loses fifteen minutes every hour."
The shop owner said, "Well there is a sign in the window that says 25% off everything."

I'm now a great uncle.
As my niece pulled on her clothes, she said: "That was great, uncle."

I gathered everyone together. "I heard several monkey chants today as I'm sure you all did. This is totally unacceptable in this day and age, and if it happens again I will have no hesitation in packing my bags and leaving."
There was a short silence in the room before someone asked, "Is this your first trip to the jungle?"

I've started going out with this girl who has the most wonderful accent.
It's a 52-plate, but it's in perfect condition.

This year, I was determined to start the summer with a body I wouldn't be ashamed of at the beach, so I lowered my standards.

I bought a packet of Coco Pops at the corner shop.
Not saying they were out-of-date or anything, but when I poured the first bowl a little dinosaur fell out.

I set the fire alarm off in my apartment about once a week.
That way, when I'm standing outside naked, I won't get arrested.

I went to see the Doctor, "You've got to help me Doc. I keep hearing voices in my head."
"Ok," he replied, "Have you tried taking your headphones off?"

Surely the term 'premature death' is one of the most pointless ever made.
Seeing as no one is going to want to die when they actually do, aren't all death are therefore premature?

I was driving down the road this morning and I could see a few cars ahead that had come to a stop.
As I got closer I could see that everybody had got out of their cars and were standing in the road chatting & sharing a flask.
I thought to myself, "How strange", but then I realised that it was a Tea Junction.

I was dropping some pills at a club last night when this guy came over to me, bent over, and picked them up.

Since I lost my job, I've been eating into my savings.
But in hindsight, I should have just spent it on food.

My dad only ever hit me once.
Unfortunatley it was with his car

Just got off the phone with o2 to set up my new contract deal. The man on the line asked me, "And how does your name appear on your debit card sir?"
I said, "In block capitals."

My wife accused me of not understanding rhetoric.
"Haha, Do I know what rhetoric is?" I said "Of course I do"

Unfortunately at no point during my workday does anyone ever have cause to shout my name and then toss me a sword.

My mate told me how excited she was when she mananged to get pop star and new x factor judge Gary Barlow into bed, and joked about how she wanted him to relight her fire.
Her excitment soon faded, turns out he only took a minute girl.

The police were at the door, "Excuse me Sir, don't you think it's irresponsible to let your 4 year old daughter play with her scooter on the street?"
"Why pick on me?" I replied, "There's kids all over playing on scooters."
"Yes Sir, but their's haven't got a 750cc engine!"

The girls in my area have all of a sudden become really posh over the last few weeks.
Everytime they see me they wave at me using just their little finger.

Song snippets re-written in Olde English:
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star:
Scintillate, Scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain would I fathom thy nature specific,
Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
Strongly resembling a gem carbonacious.
Scinitillate, Scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain would I fathom thy nature specific.
Milkshake:
My frozen dairy bevarage bringeth all the gentlefolk to the yard, and they claim:
'Surely 'tis better than thine! Surely 'tis better than thine!'
I'd instruct you, though I must levy a fee.
Baby Got Back:
I enjoy large posteriors
and I am unable to decieve.
Hot in Herre:
The temperature seems to have risen
Promptly remove thine clothing.
Ridin':
They observe me using my automobile.
They are prejudiced.
Atliens:
Raise your hands into the air and flail them about.
As if there were no repurcussions.
Hey Jude:
Greetings, Jude.
Do not make your present situation worse
Attain a melancholy tune and elevate its virtue.

My mate's formed an 'unnatural' relationship with a 24ct JCB. I've warned him, but he won't listen.
He can't see he's with a Gold digger.