I walked into Waterstones and said, "I bought this book on Speed Reading but I want my money back."
"Do you have a receipt?" she asked
"Of course," I said, handing it to her
"But this receipt is 3 years old."
"Exactly."

When I came home from work last night my wife asked me to start on the tea.
So I squared up to the chops and pushed the potatoes over.

In Diana Vickers' debut single she says "I'm only going to let you kill me once."
Someone needs to follow that up before someone explains to her the in and outs of life and death.

I think my Son might be dyslexic.
He came running up to me earlier 'Dad look! I got nine out of ten in my spelling test today!'
'That's great', I said and had a look. 'However... This is a maths test, see there, where it says maths test? Also, you didn't get nine out of ten that's part of the first question, 'Write the fraction nine over ten as a percentage', and for the answer you wrote England. By the way England begins with an 'E' not an 'I'.
Second thoughts, he might just be a moron.

Well thats the last time I use UPS delivery service...
My prank suspicious parcel that I bought off eBay ages ago still hasn't arrived.

To impress the girls in the park earlier, I stuck a couple of socks in my boxers.
It didn't quite work out as well as I'd hoped, they called the RSPCA.

My girlfriend and I were just about to bang in the shower for the first time ever, when she said to me:
"If you had, one shot, one opportunity. To seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment. Would you capture it?"
And then I slipped.

Sometimes, I like sitting out in the garden and just have a few beers and a spliff amongst my wife's collection of stone figurine garden decorations.
I guess I just enjoy chillin' with my gnomies.

I only drink beer to celebrate major events, such as the fall of communism...
... or the fact that our fridge is still working.

I asked this person in a pub where they were from.
"Where am I from? Is that supposed to be racist, I was born in London, and so was my mum. My dad came here when he was younger, and I have worked hard to establish myself as a member of the community!"
Last time I try to chat up an indian chick.

Add The Queen as a Facebook friend by sticking a stamp to your computer screen.

I've recently been teaching my girlfriend how to drive, but all we do is argue. Because i cant drive either.

I was drinking my tea last night when I suddenly thought.
Why doesn't she just put it on a plate instead of liquidising it.

Im so proud of the mrs
she just got 5-5-6 in her s.a.t.s

I don't get taken seriously at work, I feel I may cry.
It's like the kids hate my baloon animals.

Some people hate waking up and getting out of bed.
I enjoy it.
I do it three or four times a day.

Two delivery men were carrying a large piano up 21 floors when one man said to the other
-"I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we're on the 21st floor"
-"okay what's the bad news?"
-"we're in the wrong building"

I wanted to fit in with all the cool, "gangsta" type kids on my estate, so I got myself a beanie hat.
However, they just laughed and threw eggs at me when I showed up with my Heinz endorsed beret.

My girlfriend said I should grow up and stop taking her so literally.
But I'm 26 and stopped growing 8 years ago so how am I meant to do that?

I was fed up of everything the other day, so I showed my girlfriend the door.
She said, "With a couple of extra bevels and a good polishing of the handle, that could be the best looking one on the street".

I hopped on a bus the other day and the bus driver was surprised I could jump so high.

My friend has challenged me to see who can produce the most saliva,
It's a mouth watering contest...

God came to me last night, he said, "You may ask one question my child and I shall give you the answer."
Of course overly excited I asked, "What colour does a Smurf go if you strangle it?"

WWI would never have happened if Franz Ferdinand didn't ask someone to take him out.

News: Man dies in Jaguar factory in Liverpool. Police and the Health&Safety Executive still to release details.
It's obvious! He was cunningly stalked then mauled to death.