I don't know about anyone else but I'm really enjoying Fifa 11, I'd recommend Royal Mail to anyone! Can't wait for Fifa 12 now!

If I had 1 word to describe today, it would be "Tuesday".

I've just seen a Parasite...
It was full of disabled pikeys.

I went to the church and started masturbating, which to my surprise got me thrown out.
Turns out the job vacancy wasn't for a 'bell wringer' after all.

Apparently, librarians don't go for a poo.
They go for a sssshhhhhhhit.

My mate's heart stopped beating so I immediately started to think of 'Bee Gees: Stayin Alive' in order to aid resuscitation.
It didn't help though.
I started dancing and forgot to carry out the CPR.

If a 5 sided shape is a pentagon and a 6 sided shape is a hexagon
Does that make Pacmam an omnomnomagon?

I asked my teenage daughter what was her main goal in life.
She said "I'd really like to go through a whole tube of chapstick before losing it."

I just checked my balance on my mobile phone.
Don't do it, mine broke straight away.

I lived in my old house for just 6 months and managed to make a tidy profit of over 100,000 when I sold it on.
Which was great considering I was renting.

I recently bought my wife a ring that she had wanted for years, only to find out it didn't fit.
When I took it back, the guy at Curry's said we'll have to get a whole new hob.

When I got home I saw that my wife had had her hair cut.
"Wow.. That looks great. It's taken years off you and makes you look completely different."
As she started to scream and picked up a knife, I realised I was in the wrong house.

I was waiting to see the doctor, then the receptionist said, "the doctor can see you now."
I said to her, "thanks, but why was he blind folded in the first place?"

I've just come back from camping and I stayedin the same socks for 5 nights.
I couldn't afford a tent.

If only my Granddad could see me now, we would have a zombie apocalypse on our hands

My wife decided to walk out on me claiming she can no longer stand me living in a cartoon fantasy world. She didn't get far. Thanks to the anvil I'd suspended above the garage door.

I was on a really awkward date the other night so I decided to break the ice, then swim to safety.

A young man watched an old American Indian at a state fair, the old Indian was charging 5 dollars a time for a special challange- if he couldn't tell you where you were from just by looking at you he'd give you 50 dollars. The young man saw a cowboy try his luck first. The Indian looked him up and down, noticed some cow dung on his boot and declared: "You're from Wyoming".
"Wow, that's right," said the cowboy.
The young man looked on as another cowboy took his turn. The Indian looked him up and down, spotted straw and some cow dung on his boots and said: "You're from Montana"
"Gee that's right," said the second cowboy.
The young man decided that he wanted to have a go, but thought of a way to confuse the Indian. Having observed that the Indian took great notice on boots, the young man polished his boots until they were spotless and showed no clues. He went into the Indians booth, the Indian looked him up and down and said: "You're from Arkansas ."
"Gee, that's amazing. How could you tell?"
"You're jeans are on back to front."

Life is like a box of chocolates.
In the middle of it, you realize you're fat and no one loves you.

If you're ever thinking about owning up, don't bother.
It's not as good as Toy Story 3.

My first attempt at boiling an egg went terribly wrong...
The chicken died!

Just had my first ever fortune cookie.
Tasted awesome, taste better if they wouldn't put paper in them though.

Just bought myself a Drag Queen size bed.
The sheets tuck themselves in.

Harry Potter is so unrealistic. If you had a "luck potion" you wouldn't give it to your best mate to do well at quidditch.... You'd be going through Hermione Granger's underwear draw looking for a vibrator

I've just met Will.I.Am's arrogant Indian cousin.
I.Amit