I saw our new starter in work earlier.
"Hi Vicky.. How are getting along?" I asked.
"Ok thank you.. But please don't call me Vicky."
"Sorry," I said, "Didn't mean to cause offence. What do you prefer to be called?"
"Oh.. You know. I'm not really bothered... Vic or Victor," he said.

I said to my mate, "The worst thing about this hot weather is the smell of BO from the sweaty Paki's on the bus."
"I'd say it's probably the wasps" he replied.
"Don't be silly" I said, "Wasps don't get BO."

I was visiting the Bishop, when the Archbishop turned up.
Somehow, I don't quite trust him.

My doctor advised me to drink less.
But I can't find a pub that sells it.

I hate it when people tell me that the cigarette I'm smoking will take 5 minutes off my life.
Seriously, what can you do in 5 minutes anyway?
Especially at that age.

I'm going on a fortnight's holiday tomorrow, and I was worried my house might get burgled while I'm away.
So I've burnt all my stuff. That ought to deter them.

My mate said that trust was the most important thing in a friendship, but I don't believe him.

I was moved to tears at the zoo today. A black family were quietly watching the chimps in their cage.
It was like a scene from 'Schindler's List'.

People go on about how stupid the Americans must be to have a full holiday devoted to a film staring Will Smith.
I'm more concerned about the one in which they give thanks to an ageing Irish goalkeeper.

I was walking through that park when a lady asked me for the time.
I stopped and had a look up at the sun, then said, "Quarter past two."
"Wow, how can you tell?" she asked, amazed.
"I checked my watch about twenty seconds ago." I replied.

My best friend just got a tattoo of an abacus on his face.
I can always count on him.

Just heard that today is International Women's Day.
I think that it's brilliant that there's now a whole day to celebrate incompetence.

I just read a book about hoovers..... The end sucked

True Story.
A friend of a friend works on the checkout in a supermarket. She was having particular trouble finding the bar code of the last item on the conveyor belt. She turned it upside down and turned it left to right, but no joy. At this point the patient man leaned over and gentle said "That's the thing that separates customers, love"
Daft bint!

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, chief inspector McTavish has announced that he's looking for a man with one eye, if he doesn't find him, he's going to use both eyes.

Empty House + Noises downstairs = Ninja Mode

I was on the bus then I saw a sign on it saying, "Up to 1000 reward for information on anyone vandalising this bus".
So I ripped the chairs apart then gave the driver my details.

The Sun: Britain's Number One Benefit Cheat
To all those people that said I'd never make it. Number one in the country. Whose laughing now?

I could'nt believe the state of my Birth certificate.
It must be as old as me!

I've just been the witness to a bank robbery.
When the police where asking me what I saw, I said, "Well... I saw a man walking up the high street wearing a ski mask and carrying a sawn off shotgun, which I thought was weird as it hasn't snowed in ages!"

People say there were signs of 9/11 before it even happened..
Yes a muslim on a plane.

Hey, did you know that if you rearrange the letters of 'Tescos'...
... you'll get kicked off the premises.

I saw a woman driver today and I don't know what everyone's making so much fuss about; she was harmless.
...Well, when I say I saw her, I was at her funeral...

I've been watching this bag of flour for hours now and not once has it raised by itself.

My mate Frank had his son named after him.
After Him Wilson sounds so ridiculous.