I think our boss got ripped off when he bought the fire extinguishers for work.
They said "For use on any fire", but as soon as I threw one on the fire, it just exploded.

I walked in after smoking half ounce of weed to find my mum standing arms folded in the kitchen.
"Oh my god!" She shrieked, "i've read about this red eye in my drugs leaflet, you've been smoking drugs haven't you?"
I had to think fast, "Don't be silly mum I don't do drugs," I replied, "it's pepper spray."
Now she thinks I'm a rapist.

Can you play Chopins Polonaise in A-flat?
I can play it anywhere you want....

I've been into a Poundstretcher this morning.
Now I've got a pocket full of ovals.

I've just finished doing 200 push-ups.
It took me 4 weeks.

I made a Freudian slip earlier.
I threw a banana skin in front of my mate, Dave Freudian.

I was burning the candle at both ends yesterday.
Completely ruined my son's birthday cake.

I called my wife and said, "Help me, I'm in Tesco's and I can't move."
"Why not?" she asked.
I said, "I'm in the frozen section."

I always check my local Pound Shop, but they never have any TVs.

Okay, so I'm eating out with the wife at some restaurant and I'm sporting my new Van Heusen dinner jacket. I happen to be quite proud of it, but she just wouldn't stop moaning...
"I just think you look... silly, you look silly" She said, tucking into her salad.
"What?! Cost me 120 this did..."
"I know, I just think it's a little bit dressy..."
This made me furious; "That's ludicrous, I spent a bomb on this jacket and- That's it! Im leaving!"
So in a fit of rage I grabbed my Big Mac and stormed out.

I spent 3 hours in the garden center today.
I'm not sure why. I just enjoy standing in the middle of the lawn.

I normally like to be frank and ernest on my first dates ...
But sometimes I just call myself Colin

Thepigethecatons
Thats put the cat amongst the pigeons

I've just checked the BBC Weather Forecast, and it said 'UK Summary'.
Which is surprising, considering it's November.

Like most REAL men I love beer and sports.
In fact it was just the other day I was drinking my can of draught while watching the big football game and admiring my new pair of snooker boots.

Prince William: 100% royal.
Kate middleton: 0% royal.
I guess their son will be the real half blood prince.

I just saw the new M.Night Shyamalan movie. The twist at the end was so big that it ended up finishing exactly how everyone predicted.

WARNING: Do not allow product to make contact with eyes.
If contact is made, you're an idiot. This is nail polish.

yahoo news : "OAP suicide causes death"
isn't that was suicide is?

Every night when I'm putting my cigarette out in the back yard I think, what a stupid name for a cat.

My mates thought it would be funny to get me hypnotised. Now every time I hear a bell, I lay down and go to sleep.
I wouldn't mind so much but it's playing havoc with my boxing career.

My mate believed me when I told him wisdom teeth come through once your IQ reaches 100.
His haven't came through.

I just noticed a message on the side of my Stella can, it says 'Best Before End'.
I couldn't agree more.

My New Year's resolution?
Try and make up a good new year's resolution for next year.

I was watching T.V earlier when I thought,
''Maybe I should turn this on?''