I don't care what anyone says, but maybe that's because I'm deaf.

A great simile is like a magnificent racing horse: this isn't one.

I get a lot of stick for collecting bits of tree.

All seater stadiums.
I won't stand for it.

Try all you like but the longest word in Scrabble is ....
Scrabble

The wife just said, "Show me what you're made of, big boy!"
So I gave her a bucket of offal.

My friend said I didn't understand how spoonerisms work
I told him to Uck Foff

My mate got killed by a quadrapalegic last night.
I warned him not to pick a fight with a Boa Constrictor.

It's Gregor Mendal's 189th Birthday. Being that old, no wonder he smells like pea.

A girl once told me that she'd die for me.
Or that she'd die before she kissed me, I can't really remember now.

BBC News: Gunman Shoots Seven.
Friends say he didn't want 10 living in fear after 7 ate 9.

America.
The only country stupid enough to celebrate the 4th of July on the 5th.

Facebook - for hideous, fat, ugly women to deceive lads into thinking they look human.

My wife went into a shop quickly and told me to wait for her.
I drove off home, and she came in about an hour later.
She said, "I told you to wait on me!"
I said, "I did wait. But I was doing it while I was driving."

'This is the captain speaking. You may now switch on your mobile phones...as you'll need to text your loved ones before we plummet into the sea.'

I've got some new slippers made out of live mice.
I don't like them.
They squeak when I walk.

Have you ever noticed how the top and bottom biscuit's in the packet are always broken?
I don't know why they bother putting them in.

I've decided to increase my chances of being abducted by aliens.
I'm growing a filthy beard, moving to America, adopting a Texan accent and killing my brain cells with whiskey.

How do you recognize an idiot inside a car wash tunnel?
He rides a bike.

My mate says he doesn't believe in marriage.
I don't know how he can say that though.
He was my best man recently so he knows it definitely exists.

My dad used to be a big fan of the prime minister.
Then they replaced him with an air conditioner.

I legally changed my name to Bruce Banner.
It's got me out of many a parking ticket.

I got arrested for smashing the town clock with a hammer.
"It was self defence." I said to the policeman, "The clock struck first."

I told my wife the bad news that my credit card got cloned,
She said, "that's great, but why do you need 2?"

I just phoned my local Indian restaurant and said, "Can I order a chicken madras, pilau rice, a naan bread and some samosas please."
"Are you going to be picking it up?" he asked.
I said, "No mate, it gets too messy, I'll use a fork."