The wife's getting huge on a diet consisting only of Greek cheese.
She's just getting feta and feta.

Over estimating works 99% of the time.

I feel bad for all the suckers who've bought counterfeit tickets for next year's Olympics at such ridiculous prices.
I decided to spend my hard earned cash on a Glastonbury ticket instead.

What did Kermit the frog say when he reached the top of Mount Everest?
"Muppet!"

I'm thinking of writing a letter addressed to myself that wont get delivered for 10 years. In it, I'll explain how my life is shaping up and how I hope things will go.
Writing 'URGENT' on the envelope and sending it via Royal Mail should do the trick.

I ran out of excuses for staying off work, so I rang in dead this morning.

Wandering into Tesco and seeing Antony Worrall Thompson's book on a shelf just gave me this urge to steal it.
But it's not as easy as you think hiding a shelf under your coat.

What do Polish gladiators use instead of a battleaxe?
Warsaw.

I went on a date last night with a bird I met on a dating site who's description was, "Don't worry, I won't bite".
The stupid old hag didn't have any teeth.

As I crouched behind the counter trying silently to indicate to police - 'The burglar's in the bedroom' - parts of my life flashed before my eyes.
Mainly, my family telling me I've always been horrible at charades.

A lady stopped me in the street today and asked if I wanted to try some of their new vanilla ice cream.
I had to stop, collaborate and listen.

My wife said to me earlier "Close the window for God's sake, it's cold outside."
Useless cow. I checked an hour later and it was still cold outside.

"And here's one I made earlier!"
In hindsight, probably not the best way to introduce my illegitimate child to my wife.

Just got a letter from Royal Mail....
It said 'Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.'

The subject at last nights debating society meeting was, 'Is time travel possible?'
When I arrived there was a sign on the door which read: 'Gone out. Back 10 minutes ago.'

Just imagine the outrage if animals were forced to work.
Cats could get 9 pensions, while dogs would get 7 holidays a year.

I just took the morning-after pill and nothing.
It's still Wednesday.

The ball was in position so I took a long run up and gave it the hardest kick I could...
Broke my toe and got banned from Bowlplex.

With all the housework that she's done tonight, my wife is wanting a gold medal.
She'll have to settle for a pearl necklace.

What's yellow and dangerous ?
Shark infested custard.

I watched a TV programme that apparently only idiots would enjoy.
I couldn't understand why though, because I really liked it.

I once dated a liar.
She adored me.

I got pulled over for speeding in my smart car today.
The copper was so impressed, he let me off without even giving me a ticket.

I was at the dentist's getting my teeth checked up, and he asked me where I was from, I could only reply
"llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch"
I hate living in Wales.

I went out for a few drinks with the lads last night.
Towards the end of the evening I walked up to a girl and said, "My mate wants your phone number."
"Which one?" she asked.
I said, "It's up to you, but I think he'd prefer your mobile."