One day, a man was considering his life and said, 'i wish i could help people'. After much deliberation he decides to run for local parliament. Unexpectedly, he wins in a landslide victory. After a week on the job he has completely eradicated unemployment. He has decreased crime by 80% and improved the standard of living dramatically.
But he thinks to himself, 'I could do more for the world'. So he decides to run for state parliament. Once again, he wins by a hefty margin. So he gets to work, and within the month the entire state is out of the economic crisis, unemployment is at 0.5% and crime is at an all time low.
But still, he feels that it is not enough. By the years end he has become Prime-minister, Halfed the countries carbon footprint, lowered taxes, and created the highest standard of living in the entire world.
Now, he feels that he has helped his country enough, so he decides to retire, settle down, spend more time with his family.
One day, during his retirement, he decides to go to the pub for a well earned drink. Once there, he discovers across a huge line, and thinks to himself, 'you know, im pretty sure there is a bottle shop around the corner, ill go there instead'. So off he goes. As it happens, there is also a huge line there aswell. Now he is quite thirsty, he really would like a drink.
Getting impatient, he thinks, 'okay, a new place just opened up down the road that sells punch. It's relatively unheard of, so surely there wont be a line'. So he walks down the road, heads into the shop.
Turns out there's no punch line.

I've just set fire to my neighbour's car.
That'll teach him for saying I don't take criticism well.

I bought myself a steam cleaner and I'm really pleased with it.
I've never seen such clean steam in my life.

As I was looking for the toilets in a pub today, I saw a sign that said, 'Fire Door Keep It Shut!'
"Don't worry," I thought, "I won't say a word."

My shampoo would last twice as long if I didn't keep using it on my shoulders...

I'm sure people think my girlfriend's a drug dealer...this one guy keeps ringing her up asking if the dope's gone yet...

I asked my little boy what he wanted to be when he was older.
He thought about it for a second and replied: "Six foot, three."

Today I discovered I had developed the ability to walk through walls.
Really, really thin walls.

I lent my hunchbacked mate money because he has a cash flow problem.
He said he'll repay me when he's got himself straight.

As I was holding my son in my arms for the first time, the missus asked, "How does it feel?"
"Well, I'm guessing With it's hands like us." I replied.

I had football training on an all weather pitch last night. It was terrible. 10 minutes of rain, 10 minutes of snow, 10 minutes of sunshine.........

My gym instructor approached me today and asked my reasons for staring so intensely at a Dumbbell.
"My doctor said I need to watch my weight," I replied.

I've been homeless for a while now, so I've lost track of what is what, and what is going on in the modern world.
This man came up to me today and gave me a slice of his pizza.
I thought this was very generous, so I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, "Thank you!"
I then wiped my mouth with the pizza and went back to eating my napkins.

I'm the kind of guy that likes to tease his house plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I don't understand the History Channel.
How they could have filmed the Second World War in stunning high-definition, I will never know.

My son's nut-sack is now a lot bigger than mine.
He's left our peanut farm to work on a coconut plantation.

My mate once bought a book called, 'Spontaneous Human Combustion Explained.' The very second he'd finished reading it he burst into flames.
At that moment he realised just how dangerous knowledge can be.

I was invited to play golf by some mates yesterday.
Having never played before, they said I would need to buy a club.
It'll be the last time I play though. The shots were very awkward to play, and by the 5th, it kept sliding out my hand as the chocolate melted.

I've decided to invade Madeira - piece of cake...

I went to Kenya last year on a Land Rover safari.
It was a complete waste of time, I didn't see a single Land Rover.

I got a taxi back from the airport last night.
As I got out the driver said, "That's thirty quid please mate."
I said, "I've only got Baht on me."
He said, "You must have some english on you?"
I said, "Nope, unfortunately my money is all Thai'd up."

I asked my boss in DFS what he wanted me to do today.
"I want you to rearrange the furniture," He said.
"Furniture the," I replied.

I made a large fiddle out of rotten cheese. It's a fetid cello

I get seriously Paranoid sometimes that I'm eating crisps too loudly
Luckily it's just in my head

I asked Bing what the chemical formula was for TNT, and my laptop blew up in my face.
I'll have to use safety Googles next time.