I saw a sign today saying "CCTV in operation."
I hope it's nothing serious.

Go over to YouTube and search for 'Eskimo Feet'.
There's loads of cool footage.

What came first, the suggestion or the suggestion box?

Some bloke came around to look at my broken washing machine today.
He shook his head and said, "It's completely knackered."
I said, "Just tell me how much."
"About 250." he replied.
"That seems reasonable enough," I said, "It's allyours."

Don't you just hate people who ask stupid questions.?

I just bought a microwave fireplace.
You can spend a whole night in front of it in only 8 minutes.

I'm normally frank and ernest on my first dates with women ...
But sometimes, just to be daring, I call myself Colin

I just read my daily horoscope today, and couldn't believe it came true.
It said I will live my life as normal and nothing out of the ordinary will happen.

Think i might have upset a fat woman who was crossing the road,
treated her as a roundabout.

Why does Chris Eubank wear a monocle?
Because he can't ask for spectacles.

BBC News: Skier froze to death and lives.
Somehow I dont think that is possible.

Those yellow post-it notes are just useless.
Everytime I post one it gets stuck to another letter and sent to the wrong address.

My girlfriend complained that I never held her close when we danced. It was nothing personal. It was Strictly Ball room.

3 Blind Mice go into a pub, they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

If you watch Cinderella backwards its a story you'll know nothing about because you weren't facing the T.V!

I've just bought the wife a smart car. And she instantly fell in love with it.
Personally I thought it looked stupid in a Tuxedo.

My pregnant friend went to the emergency room the other day. The next time I saw her she cried and said she lost the baby. I said "Okay, calm down. Where's the last place you saw it."

I asked my friend to rob my house while I was at work for an insurance claim.
I was mortified to arrive back only to find my wife and kids sitting where our home used to be.

I took a bricklayer's course today.
He chased me down the street wanting it back.

I tried to suffocate myself last night.
It didn't work, I couldn't breathe properly!

I woke up with an ache in my back this morning.
I think there's a chance that I accidentally slept on top of the TV remote.
Well, that's the impression I got.

I've had my gun holder lined to match our new three piece suite.
It's been reupholstered.

I went to the pub today, and got myself a carvery.
The barmaid said, "Just help yourself with the food, then take it to your table."
By the time I got it home, It was stone cold.

I hate my job. Everyone always seems to be upset, tears streaming down
colleagues faces. I think I've worked at this onion ring factory long enough.

I'm not saying I am a failure but I didn't even get a birth certificate.