Stupid Joke

My friend said I have the body of a celebrity.
That Johnny Vegas bloke must be a stud.

Stupid Joke

An Italian Mafia Don told me that I was going to sleep with the fishes.
What an idiot. If I did that, I'd die.

Stupid Joke

Say what you like about homeless people..At least they can read and change their duvet covers every day..

Stupid Joke

How do you find a Foxhole ??
Lift its Tail Up...

Stupid Joke

A woman is breastfeeding her baby in the park when a man walks up to her and says:
"Hey, by the way, your baby just invited me to dinner."

Stupid Joke

I installed an electric shower at the weekend.
It's invigorating enough, but in hindsight I wish I'd have kept the traditional water one.

Stupid Joke

I've just bought myself a magic wand.
All I have to do is tap it and my housework will be done.
Bang Tidy.

Stupid Joke

Johnny's dad and his Maths teacher are talking at the parent-teacher conference.
Teacher: "I think Johnny needs to get some help at home. Especially with his Maths".
Parent: "Well that makes six of us".

Stupid Joke

I was picking up the new girlfriend on my motorbike for the first time.
"Ooh what shall I wear?" she texted.
"Well if you've got any leathers I'd wear them," I replied back.
I shan't be seeing her again now ...
But the lads at the vintage motorcycle club said her gimp mask was hilarious.

Stupid Joke

I was telling my friend how some people swap Family Members for Popstars
"Take my Uncle for Example..."

Stupid Joke

My wife gave me a sandwich and said "This has half the fat, half the protein and half the calories of your usual sandwich".
Well, I say sandwich, it was more like half a sandwich.

Stupid Joke

I sneaked into the cinema last night without paying.
I sat there in the dark for eight hours before they finally showed a film this morning.

Stupid Joke

I'm great at pulling disabled birds.
Although I'm told its a lot easier when you push the wheelchair

Stupid Joke

It's especially dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock

Stupid Joke

Does anybody still use C.B. radios?. . . Over.

Stupid Joke

My doctor just told me that I have a problem with one of my lungs.
I said, "What's wrong with it?"
He said, "It's smoking."
I said, "Well, do you have any idea why it's doing that?"

Stupid Joke

I just got pulled over by the police last night.
"Do you realise you were doing over 100mph?"
"Yes, but I was only keeping up with traffic"
"Its 3am there isn't any...."
"Exactly!"

Stupid Joke

My son just messaged me "for New Years, you said you'd keep up with the times."...
I can't win, I've only just bought this new pager.

Stupid Joke

I really let my hair down last night.
I bought a wig and got caught trying it on.

Stupid Joke

Building a treehouse is killing a tree, and then making his friend hold up his dead body

Stupid Joke

I often use words and phrases I don't understand and vice versa.

Stupid Joke

As the judge read out my conviction sheet, he said the GBH charges against me were looking bad giving I have a history of violence.
I don't see what my DVD collection had to do with the case.

Stupid Joke

My ex has way too much influence over our kids.
I can't wait until they're old enough to hate me for their own reasons.

Stupid Joke

I've got a terrible headache. I think I'll have to stop drinking...
..and crashing my car into trees.

Stupid Joke

You can tell a lot about a person just by reading their emails.