There's nothing better than sitting on the couch in your underwear. I'm going to enjoy this until the department store security guys show up.

My son just asked me whether Bambi was a boy or a girl.
What an idiot. It was a Deer.

We all thought Grandad should have got a hero's welcome for singlehandedly pitch forking that German parachutist.
But instead it ruined our Ibiza beach holiday when they arrested and deported him.

A woman goes to the psychiatrists carrying a duck under her arm. "What's seems to be the problem?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well it's not me with the problem." Said the woman, "It's my husband, he thinks he's a duck."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting.he was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting the heads and the tails on the wrong sides.

I feel sorry for women with short hair
They're the ones who always seem to get cancer.

All of the main UK party leaders have congratulated Libya on deposing their long-standing undemocratic dictatorial regime.
They added that there would be no referendum on the EU and anyone who wants one is an uneducated racist.

Dimmed lights, bursting bladders, six urinals, one with clingfilm over the top - Russian toilette.

Two years I'd spent working on that escape tunnel and it was discovered just days from completion.
"If you were that unhappy, why didn't you just hand in your notice?" my boss asked.

My friend came up to me earlier, saying
'Did you hear? Dave has been knifed!'
I said,
'That's forked up!'
He frowned at me.
'Too spoon?'

A policeman asks a serial killer: "Any last words before you're executed for commiting such heinous crimes?"
Just before the lever on his electric chair is pulled the killer says: "Tell my family I've always loved them."
So the day of the the funeral the policeman goes up to the serial killer's wife and son and says: "He wanted me to tell you that he always loved heinous crimes."

'I'm not interested but thank you for calling.'
So erm, I've just lost my job working for ChildLine.

i started my new job as a lumberjack this morning.
the boss must have took an immediate dislike towards me as id only been there two minutes before he gave me the axe.

I want to make a donation to my local Homeless charity,
but I don't know where to send the money.

We all know what they say about men with big feet.
"Inaccuracy like that is why we should switch to the metric system."

I recently bought a hen, but every time I touch it I get an electric shock.
I think it's from a battery farm.

"Don't say I didn't warn you."
"You didn't warn me."
"I know, I just don't want you saying it."

I walked into a job interview wearing a gimp suit this morning.
"Why are you dressed like that?" asked the shocked woman.
I said, "This is how I'm always dressed, it makes me feel comfortable."
"Right" she said, "I think this interview is over."
"Over?" I complained, "Why?"
She said, "I'd rather look for a job elsewhere."

Studies show that for every 15 minutes you laugh, you gain one day of life.
We are immortal.

They say, 'No news is good news'.
That's why I cheered when I saw my paperboy get run over.

My wife usually packs for me when we are about to go on holiday, but this time round I thought I'd pack myself.
It was a disaster, not only was the bag to small, but I also couldn't zip it up from the inside.

You think Hitler was bad? My uncle wasn't accepted into art school either, and he became a traffic warden instead.

A guy from the authorities came round today and said "I need to ask you to take your "For Sale" sign down."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because although you've nearly completed your sentence, I'm afraid that you're not, and never have been, the legal owner of this prison cell."

Seeing figures of speech being used correctly is like music to my eyes.

My wife hates the fact I keep suggesting she's abit of a Gorilla...
She went Bananas right before things got hairy.